u/Diligent-Activity-70

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful support you gave me last week when I was struggling.

I’m still dealing with some hard feelings about continuing treatment, but I have talked to my friends and my oncologist & am committed to continuing treatment for now. I have 4 more folfiri + erbitux infusions to go. The side effects are bearable, so I feel like I can do it.

My parents will be here after infusion #10, so I will talk to them in person.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and my brother died in ‘17, so I want to be with her for the talk. It’s hard for me to know that she already knows what it’s like to lose a child and how much that has to impact her anticipatory grief surrounding my cancers.

They have rented a cute vacation house where I will stay with them. They ate arriving on her 75th birthday, so I have planned a nice dinner. (Yes, I am 57 & mom is 75. Dad is 73)

I really appreciate y’all!💜

I’m really struggling today with the will to keep doing treatment, and none of my closest people are available to talk to.

Yesterday was my birthday, which had never been a great day for me, but this one hit hard. My sweetheart was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks after my 50th birthday and died 2 weeks before my 51st. So there were quite a few tears about that. I turned 57 and, I don’t know, I just feel so useless. Because I am going through six months of chemo, I am unable to volunteer with 4H or do much else that gives my life meaning.

I’m seriously questioning what I am putting myself through all this hell of treatment for. I know that people love me and consider me important in their lives, but I feel so trapped by cancer & treatment that limits the way I can live my life.

I can’t afford to travel extensively. I can’t work anymore. I’m too fragile to be around the children at 4H.

I’ve spent 6 years without my sweetheart and the last 4 have been dominated by colon cancer & melanoma.

I just don’t see the point in doing this anymore.

My month off of chemo was wonderful. All of the split skin on my hands & feet healed and I was able to go back to metal utensils for the time being.

The fatigue is already starting to kick in.

I have to remind myself that I’ve only agreed to six (now 5) infusions and then we will discuss discontinuing the Folfori or stretching treatments out to every three weeks.

I’m partially hopeful that these infusions will knock out the lung tumor and the suspected new tumor either gets wiped out or does not progress and I can do watch & wait for a while.

Hope is hard for me after 4 years and being on my third recurrence.