Cried at my neuro appointment.
I had an appointment yesterday at my neurologist's office and just really need to vent to people who might understand.
I went in with my mom, and she started telling the doctor about how I’ve been acting since my last visit. She said that sometimes I’ll completely black out in a way where I lose my sense of awareness, and just... stand still and drool. The weirdest part is that I never feel it happen. I feel perfectly fine on my end, so hearing that is always a bit jarring.
My doctor and my mom started talking about my anxiety/deppression and how much I stress about the future. I want so badly to finish school, get a job, and just do SOMETHING with my life that makes a difference, but it feels so hard right now. While they were talking, everything just hit me and I started crying about my life.
My doctor was so incredibly sweet. She held my hands and told me, 'There’s no reason to cry dear. You can manage it, I know you can. I myself have cancer running in my family, but I look for the best of it. I stay positive. Just think and try your best. You can do it.' Honestly, that was probably the nicest and most relieving thing I’ve heard in a while, and it made me feel a lot better.
My family has been trying so hard in every way they can to keep me comfortable and help me. But they worry about me so much that I just feel guilty about it. I wish I could have just been a normal, healthy person.
To top it all off, they ordered more blood tests and some sort of wired ambulatory EEG where they monitor my brain activity. They are trying to catch exactly what happens when I black out by having a camera attached to me... for 3. whole. days. I know it's necessary to figure out what's going on, but the thought of being wired up and watched for three days straight just adds to the anxiety.