Venting
I am sitting here figuring out how to write this. I have had countless nights feeling like this with nobody to talk too. Yet I am always everyone’s sounding board. I am never good enough. Not a good enough son, not a good enough partner, not a good enough friend unless there is no other option. I am sitting here feeling the step before suicidal and I have nobody to turn to. Nobody that actually cares or knows how to talk to me. Nobody that gives a fuck about my feelings. How is it that I can work in a mental health facility and help people every single day but go there and get treated like dog shit not by the patients but by coworkers. My motto has always been be good, do good and good things will follow. Where the fuck is my good things? I have done nothing but help people my entire life. Where has it gotten me? Abused? Traumatized? Gotten my PTSD triggered today because I asked someone to please stop making obnoxious noise? This is bullshit. I am the type of person that would stay up all night with a stranger if they needed an ear or just to know they were going to be okay. I have reached out for help multiple times and all I have gotten was being ignored, short replies and made a mockery of.
I’m sick and tired of being kind to everyone especially when they do not deserve it. And I am sick and tired of people making excuses for other people’s shitty behavior. “Well they have a lot on their plate. They are going through a lot right now.” Yeah so am I. I fucking have cancer and am going to school full time and work full time. But you know what I’m not doing? Treating people like shit. Maybe stop making excuses for people’s shitty behavior and call them out for being horrible human beings. It’s repugnant, because it’s making people not want to live anymore. People who have the ability to actually help other people. I am so tired of going through excuses and just letting shitty behavior slide because they are close with the person. Nothing fucking changes unless we are brave enough to call out people we care about. Hold them accountable.
I really do not understand. I was in a very abusive toxic situation for 21 years, and I was always told I was the reason for this person’s behavior. It was a borderline/narcissist and it is part of the reason I have such low self esteem today. So to work where I work where I am supposed to help people and the culture is about gossiping and toxicity, it’s fucking frustrating. This is in every medical facility. What they do, they pick out people that are kind and they can walk over and single them out. When they are held accountable…… oooooooooo nooooo I did not do that I am not capable of doing that! That’s bullshit. That is why you are losing a lot of nurses and healthcare workers. IT’s toxic and people need to find a better hobby than to talk about others and make others miserable.
I’m so miserable. I honestly do not know what I am going to do.