Impossible to speak to my parish priest. What to do?
Mods, please don't delete. I know I'm on thin ice writing this and possibly breaking the subreddit rules, but I really need to ask.
Hello Fathers,
Please forgive me if this question comes off as impatient or imprudent. I genuinely do not mean any disrespect toward priests or parish life. I understand how overwhelmed and understaffed many parishes are today.
For context, I am a cradle Catholic who was very poorly catechized growing up. I never paid attention during CCD or Mass because of my ADHD, and my Filipino family mostly practiced Catholicism culturally rather than understanding the faith deeply. I had never really been taught the Catechism, confession, or Church teaching regarding marriage and cohabitation.
Over the last year, I started feeling a strong urge to go back toward the Church after a series of events in my life. My wife and I finally registered at our parish about two months ago. During registration, I mentioned that we wanted to have our 4-year-old daughter baptized, enroll my wife in OCIA, and have our marriage convalidated.
About three weeks ago, I finally returned to confession after 20 years. During confession, the priest explained to me that although my wife and I are legally married, our marriage is not yet valid in the eyes of the Church. II knew that, but genuinely did not know it was a sin to be cohabitating and having premarital sex. We didn't fully understand the seriousness of our situation beforehandbas this caught me off-guard.
My wife and I have been together since 2018, living together since 2019, legally married since 2021, and we have a daughter together in 2022. My wife also comes from a culturally Catholic family that never really practiced or understood the faith, so all of this has been very sudden and overwhelming for both of us.
The difficulty is that we were already planning to grow our family, and my wife struggles with infertility due to PCOS. This has caused her significant emotional distress and depression. A few months ago, my wife out of nowhere told me she prayed to Mother Mary, she unexpectedly had her first cycle in over a year, which honestly felt like a moment of grace by God that encouraged us both to return to Mass and take our faith seriously.
After confession, I was told to abstain from marital relations until our marriage is convalidated. I want to be obedient to the Church and I do not want to knowingly sin against God. However, this has also been emotionally difficult for my wife, especially because this was all very sudden and she does not yet fully understand Catholic teaching the way I am trying to. We are very intimate such as cuddling in bed and was sexually active because again, we were trying to have another one.
Part of why this has been difficult is because my wife is a stay-at-home mom with no friends or family in the state we live in. We moved here because I was prior military and stayed at my last duty station after separation. She spends most of her time alone caring for our daughter, and honestly she rarely talks to anybody besides me. I work two jobs Monday through Friday (Job 1:7 AM-1 PM and and Job 2: 3 PM-11 PM)
By the time I get home at night, I usually eat dinner and go straight to sleep before repeating the cycle again the next day. So realistically, my wife already sees very little of me during the week. These would be the time we would cuddle and have sex if I have energy, but most of the time is us cuddling until both of us is asleep.
I understand why priests often recommend couples in our situation to abstain and even sleep separately if possible to avoid the occasion of sin. I genuinely do understand the reasoning and I want to obey God and the Church. But in our situation, we live in a very small two-bedroom apartment, and the second bedroom is occupied by my sister-in-law, who also works long hours herself.
So there really is no practical way to separate living arrangements. Sleeping separately itself has also worsened my wife’s anxiety and depression from post-partum and loneliness because of my work and her being a SAHM, and also because of how sudden and emotionally isolating this transition has been. I know suffering is part of the Christian life, and I know obedience matters, but right now it honestly feels like this situation is creating more sorrow, loneliness, and strain in our relationship rather than helping us grow together spiritually and fruitfully as a couple.
I recently called the parish to try to schedule an appointment with a priest. I know I need to be patient, and I truly understand how busy priests are. Our parish only has two priests and three deacons serving three parishes. I still have yet to receive a call back about getting a dispensation.
Also, I financially I cannot realistically afford to take time off right now since I'm out of PTO, so scheduling has been extremely difficult. I also recently learned there may be a lengthy marriage pre-Cana class before convalidation, possibly several months?
I apologize if this next part sounds blunt, but I genuinely do not know how to navigate this situation pastorally.
Given our circumstances, if my wife and I were to fail in abstaining while actively trying to pursue convalidation and reconcile our lives with the Church, would that truly jeopardize the convalidation process or cause scandal? Or is this something priests generally approach pastorally and case-by-case while couples are sincerely trying to return to the faith and are already legally married with children? Every thread I've looked up on Reddit is mostly for engaged couples with no kids, or mix-marriage couples with no kids, or lapsed Catholics with no kids. I have yet to see a legally married couple who already has a kid or two trying to get a convalidation and the issue they face with cohabitation and premarital sex.
I am not trying to look for loopholes or excuses to ignore Church teaching. I genuinely want to understand how to move forward faithfully without spiritually crushing my wife, causing resentment toward the Church during what has otherwise been a sincere return to God or trying to squeeze in on a priest's schedule alongside my own tight schedule and possibly upset him and make myself look pushy.
Thank you Fathers, and please pray for my family.