golf ball sized lump, stuck in the waiting game
Hi everyone ❤️ I wanted to start by saying that reading all these posts and discussions has been so comforting. In my real life, I feel so alone. Online here, I’m reading so many stories and updates from people with such similar fears and experiences. It’s been instrumental in surviving this week and a half since I found my lump.
Last Wednesday, I found a sizable hard lump in my right breast. It’s somewhere between a golf ball and a lime, in the lower right quadrant. I can move it around a bit, obviously it doesn’t go all over the place but it’s not completely fixed. It’s a bit sensitive? But nothing particularly painful. It feels oval shaped I suppose, but the left side of it is right beneath my nipple and I have some decently sized honkers so I can’t really get to that side.
I freaked out immediately. I’ve been diagnosed with 3 different anxiety disorders since age 10, and I’m 31 right now. I’ve done so so so much work on myself and my anxiety, but medical anxiety is still by far the worst type that I have. On a normal day, I’m uncomfortable in my healthy body. So when something truly abnormal happened… I did a lot of crying and googling and found this subreddit.
Honestly, after reading here for a few hours I started to relax. There are so many people offering kind words and support and sharing their experiences, and it inspired me a lot to want to share mine, as a girl mostly made of anxiety.
Finding the lump late at night was the worst. I wanted to call a doctor so badly. I wanted someone to tell me what to do; I wanted to be able to make an appointment. To call my mom. I should have anyway, but I didn’t want to wake her up. Some part of me didn’t want to tell her: didn’t want her to think there was anything wrong with me. So this sub was a godsend, during those early morning hours.
My insurance kind of sucks. They said I would need to see a physician to confirm a lump is there and a gynecologist before they could send for a mammogram or ultrasound. They said it would be a month and a half until I could even start that process. Like: the lump IS there. I can feel it. It’s everything they say to get a mammogram for! But alas.
So I just started googling Breast Clinics. Out of pocket mammograms. I managed to find this place that is doing a women’s health month program: $250 for a consultation, mammogram, and ultrasound. Obviously more than I would have paid with insurance, but it would be multiple appointments all at once, less waiting game. I figured some extra money would be worth whatever peace of mind I could save. Plus, everyone there seems so nice. They got me in this Friday, first thing in the morning.
But I’m terrified. I have a gut feeling that it’s not good. I don’t know if I can even trust my gut, due to the anxiety. My medical fear is so bad that even thinking about going into the office makes me feel like passing out. I’m scared to go, I’m scared to get the mammogram, I’m scared to get the ultrasound, I’m scared to talk to anyone, and I’m scared in general. I’m trying to stop thinking about it, but having a hard time with that.
I don’t know. I just really wanted to thank everyone on here for being vulnerable and sharing their experiences. Truly, reading them is one of the only things bringing me a little relief right now. Not only knowing that benign results are out there and are common, but that even if that’s not in the cards, there are kind people in this corner on the internet who have made a beautiful community.
Wish me luck, and if you have any, I would so appreciate any book or music recommendations to bring and help calm down. ❤️ thank you for reading. Sending lots of love to everyone currently waiting, too.