Should I get myself checked?
TW: sd*cidal thoughts and mental health crisis
Created a new account because I don’t wish to be identified.
I recently received a few offers from the local universities for different courses. Some were STEM courses, others were business/business-related. STEM has always been my interest and I largely applied to business because I favoured the jobs prospects and salary. I was immensely relief to get several offers but it meant that I was torn between practicality or passion. Yet after a while, I realised that I actually have no real ambitions. I merely applied to STEM because I found it interesting in JC but I didn’t really knew what I wanted from studying a STEM course. Eventually, I chose business because I wanted a life of material comfort but I couldn’t see myself doing anything in business either. I felt utterly lost and in despair. I was crying everyday because I realised that maybe I am not as worthy, bright and stellar as I thought. As my thoughts spiral, I begin seeing no value in my life. I had a few fleeting thoughts of ending my life. I would cry at night and wake up in the morning feeling soulless. I would go about my day feeling all the energy drained from me. I lost interest in writing and watching dramas, they both felt too much. When I see those university ad posts, a knot in my stomach would form. Thinking about orientations, starting classes, trying to maintain decent grades all felt too much for me. It will just further dull my mood. I tried asking my friend about this but was told it was situational and once I enter university, everything would resolve by itself. They had also told me to cherish my opportunities because not everyone received an offer. Another friend suggested deferment to get my emotions sorted and give time for breathing space. But more worries will just jump straight into my brain like the age gap, the thought of seeing the cohort that I was supposed to be in graduating before I did, the uncomfortable CNY conversations, the feeling of being unable to cope with my own emotions, the disappointment from my parents. This is on top of all the worries I had mentioned earlier about attending university. I would keep spiralling which makes me feel even more exhausted and those thoughts will enter my mind again. I feel like I am at my wits end, I seriously see no fulfilling value in life but is still constantly bombarded with worries which I would then interpret as a sign of my incompetence. I don’t understand why I can’t react to my offers and admission like others. Living has been really tiring recently.
Sorry for the long and disjointed post, it’s 2am and I need to unload all my thoughts and seek some advice on what to do.