It's Family and Friends Friday!

As Family and Friends, we can always find a reason not to take that walk, not to eat healthily, or not to spend time with supportive people. Our reasons might be that we feel guilty taking care of ourselves when our Loved One is so unhappy; or we don't have the time or energy because we are too busy focusing on our Loved One; or maybe we have got out of the habit of doing anything positive for ourselves.

When we do start to take care of ourselves we might find that: we actually have a little bit more energy than we did before; our Loved One might see our new behaviors as a positive model; and we might feel better about ourselves because we are becoming a more rounded person, instead of a person fixated on the behaviors of our Loved One.

Here is a link to a list of ideas for Self-Care. No doubt you can think of many more ideas.

What are you going to do for yourself today? Let us know your plans and how it went.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

The ABC tool is a great way of examining our thoughts so that we can more rationally deal with what is going on in our lives. We might tell ourselves "I am angry because my Loved One is late again." Using the ABC tool we can examine what we are thinking about the fact that our Loved One is late again, we can replace that thought and then maybe we can find a more helpful way to deal with the situation.

You can find the ABC tool by clicking here.

Here is an example of the ABC tool for the situation above:

Activating Event (or Adversity) - what was the situation? My Loved One was late again.

Belief (or thought) about A - My Loved One should not be late. They should keep their promises to be on time. They are always late.

Consequences - how did I feel or what did I do because of what I was thinking in B? I felt angry and yelled at my Loved One when they got home.

Dispute my thoughts in B - Where is it written that my Loved One should not be late? Maybe they were held up at work? Does it feel good when I think that my Loved One should do something - doesn't that set me up for disappointment? Is my Loved One always late, or are they sometimes late?

Effective new thought or belief - My Loved One is sometimes late. I would like them to be on time, but they do not have to be on time - they are a flawed human being, just like me. The next time my Loved One is late, I will try to talk to them in a calm voice.

• What do you think? How much better do you think you would feel if you told yourself the thoughts in E instead of B? Do you think it's worth giving the ABC tool a try? Or maybe you'd like to tell us about your experiences using the ABC tool?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

The language we use makes a difference: We sometimes feel upset about a situation with our Loved One, then, by using powerful words to describe the situation, we end up feeling worse about it all!

For example, our Loved One might be engaging in their behavior/drug of choice at the weekend. How do we react to this? We might think/say "they always do this at the weekend", or we might choose to dial it down a notch or two, and we might think/say "they sometimes do this at the weekend." By using the word "sometimes" we help to calm ourselves, and so we are less likely to act in a confrontational, unhelpful way with our Loved One. By replacing our vocabulary, we are using the Exchange Vocabulary tool.

Using this tool, I might decide to say "I am upset about my Loved One's addictive behavior", instead of "I am angry about my Loved One's addictive behavior" a small change, but powerful. (You might try saying the two sentences out loud to see if you notice a difference).

I might also decide to say/think "I wish my Loved One did not ...." instead of "My Loved One should not..." Here we are avoiding demanding that our Loved One act in a specific way, and so we are avoiding the disappointment and resentment that might follow when our Loved One does not comply with our demands.

Have you used the Exchange Vocabulary tool? Was it helpful? Is it something you might consider using in the future?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often feel frustrated and resentful when our Loved One doesn't meet us when they say they would**;** or when we don't know where they are; or when they borrow money from us and don't pay us back. Instead of sitting with those upset feelings, we can set a boundary.

Page 79 of the second edition of the F&F handbook tells us that boundaries are guidelines "to define reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave with us." The handbook also points out, on the same page, that boundaries can help us to build a healthier relationship with our Loved One. Sounds like a good deal, yes?

So how might we set a boundary? We can calmly use the Inform Request Inform method suggested in the handbook:

Inform: "I feel annoyed when I make plans and have to change them at the last minute."

Request: "Can I ask you to text me if you are going to be late, please?"

Inform: "If you are not willing to text me when you are going to be late, I will need to go ahead with my plans."

It's simple and brief, it clearly states what we would like to happen, and what we will do if that doesn't happen.

Have you set any boundaries with your Loved One? Would you like to share them with us?

It's Family & Friends Friday!

Do you ever feel guilty about your Loved One's situation, maybe having thoughts that begin with "I should have..." or "If I hadn't..."? The Family and Friends handbook tells us that these guilty feelings are not helpful because they might lead us to tolerate unacceptable behavior, or we might act in ways that prevent our LO from being responsible for their own behavior. (See page 48 of the second edition of the handbook for more ways in which our guilty feelings do not help us. This is on page 27 in the first edition).

So how do we deal with our guilty feelings? We can work on the questions here (worksheet fillable on your device).

We can also challenge our guilty thoughts, asking ourselves if our thoughts are true/helpful/logical: "Is it true that it's my fault?" "Is it logical to think that I am the only one who has influenced my LO's choices?" "Is it helping me when I give myself such a hard time?" (See page 48 in the second edition for more ideas on how to let go of guilt. This is on page 28 in the first edition).

Do you ever experience guilt about your Loved One's addictive behavior? How do you deal with your guilty feelings?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

Many of us, as Family and Friends, know what it's like to be afraid - that our Loved One won't come back tonight, that our Loved One's addictive behavior will continue to escalate, or maybe that our Loved One will get arrested. The FEAR exercise (now called Resolving Fears) can help us to come to terms with our fears.

To use this tool: If we are using paper and pencil, we divide the paper into 3 columns.

• In the first column, we write our fear ("my Loved One won't come home tonight").
• In the second column, we write our fear as a "what if" question ("what if my Loved One doesn't come home tonight?")
• In the final column, we write what we would do if our Loved One didn't come home tonight ("I would call my sister. I would continue with my evening as I had planned. I would watch a good movie. I would text my Loved One one time to check on them").

The beauty of this tool is that it helps us to realize that even if the worst thing happened, we would be able to deal with it, and that is empowering. You can find this tool on page 135 of the first edition of the handbook and on page 115 of the second edition of the handbook.

Have you used this tool? Was it helpful? Would you like to share your experience with us?

It's Family & Friends Friday!

We often say that we cannot directly change our Loved One's addictive behavior. We can, however, make some changes to our behavior which might affect our Loved One's addictive behavior. Maybe we decide to work on our self-care, which might serve as a model for our LO? Or we might try not to catastrophize when things get difficult? There is a list of things we might change in the F&F handbook (Page 3, first edition. Page 28, second edition): we might stop protecting, rescuing, nagging or controlling our LO, for example. We might try to stop obsessing about our LO's behavior, or we might stop trying harder ("if I were a better parent/friend/partner this wouldn't be happening").

You might consider taking a look at the Change Plan Worksheet, to help you decide what changes you would like to make and help you plan those changes.

What changes do you think you might make in your own behavior? Is the Change Plan Worksheet helpful for this?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

One of the things we talk about a lot at Family and Friends meetings is the unhelpful messages we send to ourselves:

1. If we try to have a conversation with our Loved One (LO) using PIVA, and that conversation stalls, we might find ourselves thinking "I failed again." (See our post "Family and Friends Friday - PIVA" for an explanation about PIVA).
2. If our LO slips, we might think "I should have taken them to rehab."
3. We might also catch ourselves thinking "If they loved me, they wouldn't engage in their addictive behavior."

These thoughts are probably not helpful and might prevent us from moving on with our SMART work. In order to challenge our thoughts, we can first identify them as being unhelpful. Then we can go to this tool (fillable on your device).

Using this tool, we can ask ourselves if our thoughts are true/logical/helpful. We can work on replacing our thoughts. So for the examples above, we might replace our original thoughts with:

1. The PIVA conversation didn't go too well that one time. I did manage to use an "I" statement, though, and can try again soon.
2. It isn't in my hula hoop to take my LO to rehab. My LO is in charge of their own recovery. I will work on providing positive experiences when my LO is not in their behavior/drug of choice.
3. My LO does not engage in their addictive behavior because they don't love me. It's not personal. I will try to understand what benefits they see in their behavior/drug of choice, so that I am better able to help them.

Why is it important to identify and challenge our unhelpful thoughts? What changes in your feelings and actions do you think you might see if you decide to challenge your unhelpful thoughts? Have you used this tool in the past? Was it helpful?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often have difficult decisions to make as Family and Friends: whether to go to pick up our LO when they are in their behavior/drug of choice; whether to sit them down and confront them about their behavior; whether to give them money when they have run out of theirs; or whether to clean up their mess after they have been in their addictive behavior.

One way we can deal with these difficult decisions is by using the Cost Benefit Analysis.

Imagine that I am wondering whether to keep cleaning up my Loved One's mess. I first list all the reasons I can for why cleaning up is helpful (I like a clean house; other people in the family don't see the mess). Then I list all the reasons I can for why cleaning up is not helpful (I end up feeling resentful; Loved One doesn't see the natural consequences of their addictive behavior). Finally, I list the pros and then the cons of NOT cleaning up my LO's messes.

I can then decide if each of the reasons I have listed has a long-term or short-term influence on the situation. The Cost Benefit Analysis can be printed out and we can refer to it from time to time - to encourage us when we are wondering why we made a specific decision.

Would you like to share about a time when you used the Cost Benefit Analysis? Was it helpful for you?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

As Family and Friends, we can always find a reason not to take that walk, not to eat healthily, or not to spend time with supportive people. Our reasons might be that we feel guilty taking care of ourselves when our Loved One is so unhappy; or we don't have the time or energy because we are too busy focusing on our Loved One; or maybe we have got out of the habit of doing anything positive for ourselves.

When we do start to take care of ourselves we might find that: we actually have a little bit more energy than we did before; our Loved One might see our new behaviors as a positive model; and we might feel better about ourselves because we are becoming a more rounded person, instead of a person fixated on the behaviors of our Loved One.

Here is a link to a list of ideas for Self-Care. No doubt you can think of many more ideas.

What are you going to do for yourself today? Let us know your plans and how it went.