My close friend is pregnant
She called while I was gardening ,her husband( who is also my close friend )was on the phone next to her .
I would like to state that I am VERY happy for her. She definitely deserves this pregnancy . Especially since she ls had a very bad miscarriage in her past, and has also struggled with fertility for a bit (not to the point where she has done ivf or iui but still struggled). If anyone deserves a pregnancy it’s is definitely her.
She told me I was going to be an aunty! If you can imagine ,she was super excited and happy on the other end of the phone. I could just picture them both smiling ear to ear .
I responded with “OMG,no way! , im so happy for you! When did you find out ?!?! Etc.” while my heart was breaking inside because I’ve done one round of ivf and I’m on my 4th iui. With Nothing to show for it
Anyway the convo proceeded with her asking me when I do my blood pregnancy test .
I tell her .
Then She told me ,that my husband told her, that our plan was to do IVF again if this one doesn’t work (which is true )
I just do an uncomfortable laugh and say “yeah that’s the plan! “
She said something like “our babies will be only months apart . “
Ouch
I said “haha yeah they are going to be best friends “
Ouch
I congratulated them again and hung up the phone
Started bawling my eyes out onto the dirt . and I haven’t stopped crying since.
I feel like I’m grieving .
I can’t talk to my husband about it either he’s just hard to talk to when I’m feeling like this and I don’t think he fully understand the intense emotions I am feeling
I’ve tried distracting myself all day
Going on walks with my dog
Riding my bike
Playing video games
TikTok
I’ve had legit like 3 showers
I’ve eaten 2 McDonald burgers a medium fry and a fucking Oreo mcfluffy in 8 minutes.
All while crying
I keep removing myself from my husbands presence just to cry because I just fucking can’t do this anymore .
I keep thinking that God doesn’t think I’ll be a good mother and that’s why I can’t have a baby
I keep daydreaming of a life I can’t have
I feel horrible for feeling this way
Like I’m a bad person for reacting like this because my friend 100% deserves this baby
I’m pushing my husband away when he asks me what’s wrong ( I know he knows what’s wrong he just wants me to talk about it but I can’t talk to him )
I’m starting to lose hope in everything
Everything hurts