I think I've screwed myself over.
Hey all, this is a bit of a vent and also just seeking advice. Anything is seriously welcomed because I am at a complete loss.
This is my first year in education. I work in a behavioral program with students 15 - 21. I am good at my job and I ADORE this job. I love my students, coworkers, APs, etc. I have received nothing, but good things during evaluations and what little feedback I manage to receive.
However, this job is hard... really hard. What's crazy is that I genuinely don't mind the typical hardships that other paras deal with. I don't mind having to restrain or chase kids, I don't mind the lack of support, I don't mind being thrown into things with no instructions. I try to keep a leveled head, understand these issues are mostly systematic and I can't blame my supervisors for trying what they can while burnt out and little freedom in big decisions. I try to learn people for who they are and while I do butt heads/don't always agree with my supervisors, I know they're okay people just trying to survive like the rest of us. However, I can't ignore the insanely toxic work environment and just pure willful neglect in some areas.
I'm young (22f), I know I can be naive. The thing is, I try so hard to learn. I really want to be someone that is able to change someone's day. I want to move further in this career. It's geniunely a passion of mine. So, I often seek out gen Ed teachers, other APs, etc, for advice and guidance during tribulations. If I have an issue with a fellow para, I ask for feedback, what I could've done better and, won't lie, vent a little bit too. I make sure that I am only focusing on the action of the individual, never going into something personal. If my supervisor was harsh on me, I find others to recieve feedback, offer a new perspective, etc. I am new to the education system and have issues with being overly submissive to authority. So, I try to learn, expand, and grow in many ways as possible.
But... I think me earnestly attempting to be a better person/employee is shooting myself in the foot because I'm naive. I've caught wind of a serious rumor affecting one of my teammates and my name was brought up. I never heard this rumor, but the person who started it mentioned I go to them to vent sometimes (which I do, however, it was only twice). When my teammate inquired, I volunteered information that was true - yes, I did go to the staff member to vent, but only regarding "x" & "y". I was never made aware of that rumor, let alone spread it. I feel deeply that honesty is the best and to get ahead of anything that may spiral.
Seeing this happen, it's made me think back to all the people I have spoken to while trying to navigate this stressful and confusing job. It made me wonder who has twisted my words and what will come up. I know I never did anything wrong, but when I tell you that this rumor is pretty damn evil 😐
I've noticed that everytime I try to learn or gain insight, tensions increase somewhere. But when I stay silent, my presence is often forgotten about. So, I'm left with two options:
- Continue to gain as much info/growth as possible and risk someone wanting to start something.
- Stay silent and be pushed to the side while growing more miserable (I am often isolated and not communicated with due to the demands of my job).
I feel like no matter my choice, I'm screwed. And it sucks because I have such a passion for this, but the toxic work environment is just insane. It's slowly killing my interest in trying to move forward. Never knowing who will backstab (and maybe me venting I did it too, idk... I do my best to remain neutral, but I have had people state they heard I was talking shit).
I really need to end on good terms here so I can become a teacher. But I think my desire for buliding community, creating rapport, and wanting to learn/better myself... Just doesn't work out for something like education. It really feels like every man for themselves here and people you do trust just flip a switch.
Just to clarify, here's how it usually goes when I "vent":
"Hey, Mr/Ms. -----, I had a tiff with a coworker today. Is it okay if we talk about it? Maybe I'm in the wrong and would like a new perspective, but I really am frustrated at what they did."
Conversation usually stays along that line. Cause at the end of the day, these people are just people and they have hard times too. I would like empathy when I'm going through it, I'm sure they would like some too. But sometimes I do need to understand that I'm easily pushed over. So I always ask to see if someone overstepped or were honestly having a bad day.
Is there anything I can do to continue my professional growth without this crap being used against me? Or am I just screwed and too stupid/naive to do this job...? Anything would help, seriously.