Stuck and don't know how to get out
Honestly, I dont even know what I'm doing anymore. The past couple months have lowk been torturous. No one really told me, or maybe I just never realised, growing pains as a writer are tough as hell. Like actually, physically painful.
So, I'm working on this longfic. Rarepair so rare no one other than yours, truly is writing it. Current stats are okay, I guess. I'm floored that it was moderately well recieved, at least in the beginning. The most popular fic author commented on the first chapter, and I kinda want it framed lol. But my dumb ass started posting as I was writing it. Desperate to keep up with a weekly posting skedule like I've heard good authors do, I ended up posting half cooked slop.
I'm only on chapter 4 now and I truly think the last couple ones are the worst ever. At the time I wrote the first draft, I was having a blast but boy oh boy did it suck. Since then I've went back and added/edited some stuff but I think it still sucks. This realisation really decended on me after I got feedback on the first two chaps from my fic reader friend/beta. Passive characterisation + weak immersion.
I hardcore spiralled after hearing her feedback because damn she was right. I'm so grateful for the chance to fix things moving forward and improve the craft, but all of this has paralysed me to the point where I actually fear publishing any more chapters because they prolly just suck. Engagement fell off by chap 3/4 which only confirms everything.
I've published 17k words but have +40k of the first draft in front of me. My last update was in march and the hit count keeps getting higher which makes me feel even worse. I've kept writing, kept fixing the plot. I want to keep updating but each time I look at the past chapters I cringe so hard. I want it out but I want it good so that I can reread and feel giddy about the underdog ship. But so far all I feel is embarrased and guilty.
The story is consuming my every waking hour and I'm not even exaggerating. I've legit dreamed about them being all romantic and shii. They've invaded my sleep!! I listen to the +60 song playlist I made for this fic on my commute and daydream about scenes i've plotted but not yet written. I've got a final exam tomorrow and all I'm thinking about is this character and his redemption arc.
At this point I dont even know if I'm climbing out of a tunnel or digging myself deeper into a hole. Much like the MC lol. Advice + tips PLEASE