Me (F36) and husband (M37) have had our issues lately and he’s been clear with me that he’s not so happy in our marriage, mainly because of how I handle when we have disagreements or conflict. I don’t shout or curse or do name calling and such, but the issue have been that for one I tend to explain my side of things and jump to conclusions before finding out how he is actually thinking about something, and therefore not seeing the situation for what it is. I often have to realise that I’ve misunderstood a situation and end up apologising. I understand that this is wearing on him over time, but it’s also hard to fix as it’s not really obvious when you are misunderstanding something.
So yesterday we were talking to our teenage daughter about her coming choice of secondary school. It’s one of her first big life decisions and we want to do our best to support her, have read about schools and how to prep, and my husband has gone to some open houses with her. So in the discussion yesterday she expressed she wants to read more about the social sciences programs, she’s mostly interested in the stem programs but wants to read more to make an informed decision. Now my husband reacted to this as if slighted by her, and told her they already discussed this before and why is she still harping on the same topic that he took time to discuss with her before, about how holding a stem program will set her up for being able to choose among many different university programs next time. I asked him to hold on a bit and wondered what the issue was, and also said that despite them discussing before it seems like she still doesn’t feel settled and just need to read more on her own to feel clear about her coming decision. It’s almost a year away so it’s not like she doesn’t have time to think on this.
Now this upset him and he said that ”fine you can do your own reading” and left to go sit and read by himself for the rest of the night. I talked a bit with my daughter and she said she felt pressured by his way of conducting things and that she just want to read and get info. I said I understand and I would talk to him.
Then later when the kids slept I went to talk to him and he was still very upset. I felt like it wasn’t that serious and thought we could talk it out, and started with asking what had happened there for him and why he had responded so emotionally to it. I thought maybe it had to do with that he wasn’t so supported by his parents when he was young and that it played in on his emotions. But he said that it was because of me and how I had sided with our daughter and made him feel undermined. That I again made the mistake of making assumptions and misunderstood what he was trying to do. I apologised and let him know that I’m thinking about how I can go about it better next time and ask more questions.
But what made me feel uncomfortable was that he said in a calm but angry tone that, ”this is what he’s reduced to, to talk in in a calm and collected manner so I have no fault to point to. That he had put so much effort in to changing his ways and how come I can just go and be myself and not fix my flaws. That he feels angry and short changed that he had to fix how he does things to the extent that now he’s talking calmly about things he’s upset with, referring to that I’ve over the years expressed that him throwing tempers, getting very angry over ”small things” and raising his voice has made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable and asked him to change this.
I feel like that talking through issues respectfully and in a way that feels safe is kind of a basic thing to ask from your partner. I didn’t say anything in the moment but it upsets me that he feels so angered that he had to adjust to be safe and respectful to me even when upset.
I repeated that I’m aware where I went wrong today and that I’m here listening to his side of things and working on the issues we’ve discussed. That it’s hard sometimes to realise in the moment when misunderstanding but I reassured him that I’ll always make sure to be open to make up for any mistakes and leave space for that I’m the one who understood wrong etc. At this point I was in tears, I really tried to do him right, understand his point of view and fix my mistakes. He still wasn’t happy and went back to questioning why I didn’t ask him about his feelings first (which I felt I did) and how come it’s ok for me to just continue making mistakes.
Now I started crying and I said I felt confused, I had said earlier I had a really stressful day at work and also a mild cold, sometimes I might make mistakes like this but I promise to work on it and make sure to apologise and do better when I do make mistakes. He said he doesn’t care for that I’m crying now and he still feels angry that I’m still not doing better and he feels shortchanged. So I just threw the bed pillow on the floor and went to the bathroom and cried. I couldn’t take it, feel so confused and sad and upset and don’t know what else I can do to solve anything. I also told him that I feel like I’m doing the things we talked about but nothing seems to ”land for him” (as he expresses it) That if I don’t get the exact combination right it just doesn’t reach him and it’s so confusing.
So he went to sleep on the couch and now it’s the day after and we didn’t really talk. I made him breakfast and now have to go in for another quite stressful work day and keep it together. Am I the asshole here, I don’t get it, what am I missing and how can I fix this? Sorry for long post….
I just want to add that we have been doing pretty good these past weeks and he was very warm and loving the days just before this, so it just feels confusing when something so seemingly small becomes huge like this… he was threatening to leave a few weeks ago so I feel scared now that I’ve ruined everything…. :(