u/Early_Stock868

So i've been going through a lot internally since last year and my numbers have been SCREAMING at me but i just cant get a hold on what the heck they're trying to tell me. obviously yes i googled but i just couldn't find a clear understanding. It could literally mean a PLETHORA of things for me.

• I'll try my best to get the jist of whats been going on without being too trauma dumpy i guess(as in DEEP lore). My numbers have been showing up, i wanna say since beginning ish of last year. I had thoughts going on like about breaking up with my boyfriend so i thought maybe this is just a sign but....more happened. Sorry to break it to you i wasn't girl boss enough and still in this relationship but more happened. Friendships, i found out people who i THOUGHT were my friends weren't actually my friends and I KNEW to have my doubts in them because what i feared came true, i really was just the runt that no one cared about and always felt that way in friend groups/group settings. Anyways that fell out but there is doubt in me because i feel like i should've voiced something or maybe i overreacted my feelings cause i'm the type to just drop people without explanation because if you never thought to hear me, you don't deserve my words or thoughts, i'm very "it is what it is" and just don't bother, i give silence and slowly make my exit. The unfortunate part is my bf...AGAIN lol because we came from this friend group(online). He tells me things here and there, yada yada, so there's that issue. Relationship, friends and now future.
• I guess before all this happened i've been struggling with mental health and employment. My mental is whats keeping me from trying to achieve a future. I just cant figure out what to do and i've felt this way since 14, i TRULY TRULY cant figure out what i want or what occupation and education i want to do, i just know i want an education but have no money, financial support, no support group nada, my bf is across the country so he cant do much, tries his best to help me with bills and food. Also surprise i struggle with agoraphobia, tada! I have just been so lost and mentally exhausted to the point im on the verge and HAVE thoughts and made attempts of you know what but felt like maybe im too weak for that too, honestly i could already be at deaths door because of my at birth health issues that i have no health insurance and money for, which im sure is already worse or getting more worse as the days go by. Skipping that dark stuff, i started an attempt to my fitness journey and possibly my creative route. I haven't ACTUALLY started my creative stuff but ive dibble dabbled in lots of creative hobbies down to music, art crafts and foods but just quit due to burn out but also ADHD but this specific one is my interest in streaming like trying vtubing (tldr ive always gamed/streamed here and there), the reason i say creativeness is because i want to learn to make my OWN stuff like the drawing process and the rigging process. I've been down the rabbit hole of tutorials cause i suck at drawing lmao. Now fitness, ive always had body image issues and always worked out but this time ive let go so much that it was TIME to get back into shape so there's that stuff.
• So yea sorry for all this spew but i have NO idea what my numbers are screaming at me. Like are you telling me about my fitness?? are you telling me to not give up on trying to draw? do i do streaming/social media? do you want me to break up with my BF? are you telling me i did right with my "friends"? Am i wrong? do you want me to apologize to my "friends?" I read that its there to guide me, tell me im on the right path or tell me everything will be okay but WHAT IS IT that will okay? WHAT PATH?! I also read about creativity but again im so confused on WHICH ONE??? which creative route?🤣 You can see on how lost i am on meaning because it could mean SO much for me in my life right now. As you can see im VERY desperate right now. I just need SOMETHING to help me, just a crumb i beg.