He'll never see this
I like a boy— nothing special about that, I know.
I have liked this boy since my sophomore year, and I still do now (senior year). But I've known him since elementary school, kindergarten. His mother was a dutyaide at our school, and I always thought she was awesome.
We've had our phases over the years. A couple of times, we stopped being friends. Despite everything, there has always been a strong sense of tension, and I know we were always more than friends. I feel like I can't give you all the details without sounding absolutely delusional. I can't describe all the looks, the late-night texts, and the times he would randomly walk me to class. It's not apparent, but you know it's there... I know I'm not crazy. He shared his Spotify playlist with me after finding out I liked J Cole. The first time we talked, senior year, he couldn't stop smiling.
I remember this one time: I was walking with friends when I saw him in the distance in front of us. Usually, when we walk past each other, we dap each other up or say wave. This time, we just stared. Not a single word, not a wave. We made eye contact the entire time. I know he felt that. I know he did.
At prom, while I was dancing with my friend, I saw him at a table. He looked sad, out of place. He got up and left. For some reason, I felt bold enough to go and look for him. I thought about him all day while getting ready, thought about how it may be the night we finally get our moment.
I found him. He looked so handsome. We smiled as we approached. We started walking towards the terrace. It was small talk at first. He told me I looked nice.
"How you gon' come to prom and not dance?" I asked him
He looks at me and smiles, "You wanna go down there?" he asks
I was definitely shocked when he asked me. He's not the "bold" type at all, so that was unexpected. Of course, I said yes.
It was awesome. We held hands. I looped my arm with his. I replay that moment of us dancing all the time. Before an unwavering crush, he was a childhood friend. Seeing him break out of his shell. How happy he was— that meant more to me than anything. But, being there with him was pretty cool as well...
That moment, to me, was special. When he didn't communicate after that night, I was somewhat hurt by it. Since prom, nothing has happened. I mean, we've talked, but as friends. It makes me question if I read too much into that moment. Did he hold hands as friends? Dance as friends? What did it mean to him?
The "what-if?" consumes me. Sometimes, I wish I had never liked him or felt this way about him. This is scrambled, I know, but it reflects how I feel about him. I wish things were different.
So, what do you do when you know that you're friends-but-more-than-friends-and-you-know-that-there's-something-there-but-you-both-haven't-acted-on-it? I have absolutely no fucking idea. It kills me. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. This push-and-pull dynamic we have is exhausting, and I'm tired of it. I deserve more than that. But at the same time, I want him to be the one. God, I want it to be him so so so bad.