u/Educational_Pipe_130

I made a post about sexual harassment that I have been dealing with at work a few days ago. A wise commenter told me to delete the post because it included too many details (thank you, by the way!)

I am still having crazy anxiety after having had my meeting with my boss. She was incredibly affirming and tried her best to quell my anxieties about being viewed as a pariah at work if this goes too far. I really don’t want him to be fired because everyone will know that it is me. I also reported a building sub earlier in the year for having made a sexual comment towards me and he was let go the same day. I’m pretty sure everyone knows that was me too.

I am looking for advice from anyone who has had experience with this sort of situation. This man is tenured and has been at this school for 10 years longer than I have. Does this give him any protection at all, or will that not matter in the long run? I don’t necessarily want to protect him for his sake, it’s just that he is the sole provider for a wife and multiple children. I don’t want to blow up their lives. I’m already feeling anxiety, and I don’t think that having that on my conscious will help at all.

Has anyone ever accused someone of harassment without them having been fired? I just want him to leave me alone. It shouldn’t be such a hard fix as he is a History teacher and I teach English. We have almost zero reason to interact. Please help if possible.

I am a 25 year old 3rd year teacher at a suburban high school in the suburbs. This year has been full of trials and tribulations. I have made 4 reports to admin over personnel issues. Each time, I have been afraid to say anything on account of not wanting to seem like a victim who complains all the time. Today, I made my last one of the year.

One of the complaints before this one was about a building sub who made a sexually explicit comment to me in front of our colleagues at the water cooler. It made not only me, but many of the other female staff who were present uncomfortable. I don’t regret that.

This newest one, though, is a little sticky. This colleague, Ryan, used to be someone I considered a friend (or at least friendly). He started to make inappropriate remarks towards me early on in our professional relationship, but I always brushed it off as being due to a disorder that he has told me and others he suffers from. This particular disorder causes him to miss certain cues and sometimes say things that are not socially acceptable. It started on my first outing with staff. He told me that he would not try to remember my name until he knew for sure I’d stick around. I took offense to this, and definitely viewed it as more of an “inside thought”, but I’m not perfect either so I let it go.

At some point, though, things started to get weird. He has said on numerous occasions over the years that he finds black women beautiful, sexy, attractive, etc. I am a black woman, and so is the other woman who is typically in the room when he makes these comments. He has also said that black women have a higher testosterone naturally, and that he finds that attractive. Not only is that untrue, but it is inappropriate to say to two black women when this man has a (white) wife and children.

On one occasion, he told me about his pornography addiction. In this conversation, I felt trapped, confused, and frustrated with myself that I couldn’t seem to get out of it. I discovered a lot more than I wanted to about the colleague. He also mentioned that, at one point, he had sex with an old colleague that I have never met IN the school building. Obviously this was alarming to me at the time, but again, I was a baby teacher with zero idea of how to navigate a situation like this.

There are other similar stories along the same lines, but I think you get the picture. Recently, based on the advice of family, friends, and some other colleagues, I have tried distancing myself from him and sending him signals that I don’t want to engage in any non-work related conversations. He has taken this pretty hard. He’s gone around and told our colleagues about how I’m mean, disagreeable, and must have a problem with him. This leads us to what happened this week.

I was sitting in a friend’s classroom, just her and I, when Ryan walked in. My friend said “I like that shirt!” To which I (jokingly) said “I don’t”. Now, this was clearly a joke in the context because, in the moment, I wasn’t even looking at him. I was picking something up off of the ground. He, however, took this very seriously and yelled “what’s your deal?!” Before storming out of the room. Both my friend and I were taken aback, but really thought nothing of it.

Minutes later, my friend gets a slew of text messages from him insulting my character. Calling me dumb, an “ass”, etc. He went around asking others whether or not he should report me for this, and they advised him to do it so that it can just be on record. My frustration is that every time we have an interaction, he is the one to enter an active conversation that I’m already having and/or approach me first. At no point have I ever gone out of my way to seek him out and insult him. I’d be happy if we never spoke again, but he can’t seem to let that happen.

He reported me today (according to a reliable source) so I took it upon myself to communicate my side of the story, including details stated above, to HR. I didn’t realize until I typed out all of the details how much this has weighed on me. At the end of typing the email, I was literally in tears. The funny thing is, I never would have said anything had he not said something first. It’s almost cosmic the way this all aligned. Deep down I knew I’d have to say something eventually, but it felt cathartic to let it out.

I made sure to state in my email that I do not by any means wish to see him punished. This is less to do with having grace for him and more so out of concern for his family as he is the sole provider. I don’t know if that’s right or not, but I don’t want to be the reason that someone’s life blows up. Especially not some innocent kids.

I have a meeting coming up on Monday to discuss how admin can support me moving forward. I don’t even know what I’m asking for. At this point I simply want him to leave me alone. He is a history teacher, and I teach English so there is really no reason for us to have to interact. I’m hoping that this ends quickly and smoothly.