i had to get this off my chest im sorry
i went online to search what i should do with my life considering i have no interest in any jobs, no hobbies, everything feels tedious and most days i don’t get out of bed for anything besides the bathroom and food. i thought this was fairly normal i mean everyone has bad days mine just happened to come often and for long periods of time. but when i found similar results on reddit they all said ‘get help’, ‘see a therapist’, stuff like that about depression and suicide. even suicide is a bother i just want to lie in bed for the rest of my life and never leave my house. i can still get momentary joy but it never lasts once the moment ends and it’s so frustrating not being able to hold onto that happiness it feels like a constant state of apathy is being forced on me. I can’t help but feel it’s my fault in a way i tried numbing myself and being apathetic since it’s the best way to never get hurt by others was to never acknowledge them but it came with the consequences of constantly envying other people that seem to have so much joy with them, even if they aren’t doing particularly well even if i can point out all their flaws I hate to see them cope and be happy when i can’t I hate this so much. the only times where im happy are when im laughing with friends, cutting or sleeping. I have done nothing with the last 16 years of my life and i can’t see myself changing that now. I have every flaw I can think of with barely any positive traits I don’t even know how my friends put up with me if I were them I would’ve cut me off long ago I don’t deserve their effort and kindness it’s sickening im just taking advantage of the fact I know they won’t leave cause they know im struggling. why can’t I just shut off my emotions and feelings and just do what I should, get a hobby, be a good friend, find a career I like. instead im wasting my moms money and effort by doing nothing with my life sometimes i just wish she never had me. i know she’d be way better off without me. im too much like both her and my father and i think she’ll forever hate me for it, she loves me as a daughter but not a person. im a walking example of a human failure and she knows it i can feel the contempt behind her jokes about my mess of a room, my mess of emotions and my mess of a self. I hate this so much i never asked to be born why do i have to have so many issues why couldn’t I find something that I truly love . im the worst self sabotaging peice of shit ever I keep taking advantage of people’s kindness but what do I even give in return for them to tolerate being around me. I can’t commit to anything, not to a career, not to school attendance, not to plans with friends not even using a blade to self harm im such a useless excuse of a human it’s humiliating i wish i could hide in my room forever i dont want society to ever know i exist. I pray everyday that a car will just crash into me and end it all but such tragedy only happens to good people im not even deserving of death. I spend most of my days fantasying about the future just for my brain fog to make me forget which I suppose in its own right is protecting my heart , can’t feel bad about an unobtainable future if you can’t remember what you were dreaming of. everytime I get asked what my strengths are I just have to laugh awkwardly and joke around the subject, it’s humiliating knowing ive no skills whatsoever. art, martial arts, singing its all bullshit ive been doing it for so long for zero results its so disgusting. im so disgusting truly all the people that have stuck around and angels I don’t understand them at all. i dodge responsibility, avoid and shutdown when im upset, i probably worry them sick im so sorry. everyday is the same. i wake up at 4pm okay ive wasted most of my day sleeping whatever not likes there’s anything else for me to do, i make myself my comfort foods, i know they’re bad but I can’t help it its the only thing that temporarily makes me forget about my problems, i go back to bed and watch some bullshit I don’t even really care about just to feel something anything, oh it’s suddenly 9pm and my moms home off I don’t come out to say hi the guilt of missing school is disgusting but the burden of going is worse. anyways it doesn’t matter she’ll still ask me why I didn’t go it sucks i know it’s my fault but I can’t felt but the irritated I hate being questioned why can’t I just be left alone. anyways now it’s 2am and im hungry again, do I eat something healthy? no obviously I make myself second pack of buldak of the day and maybe some mee goreng too. it’s sickening to eat this much but I can’t help it food is the only thing that keeps me sane. the guilt afterwards is the worst tho seeing myself binging at 2am while my friends are studying or sleeping just furthers the fact that im a failure. I go back to bed and just lie down to start watching videos again i have no energy for anything more. this cycle gets worse every year it was still manageable in sec 1, troubling in sec 2, vicious in sec 3, i thought i really would die that year but then it continued to sec 4. this is impossible i wish i could never do anything for the rest of my life im done. i remembered. i used to like writing. before this infinite wave of tiredness washed over me. i was never good but i liked it.