u/Efficient_Prune_8527

I thought u didn't use Grindr EDP?? 🤔🤨

You know who else knows what I mean?!

When the cameras are off...Who do u think in the bottom pedophile? 🤣

What's crack-a-lacking, u dick-suckin, no life fags?! It's ya boy Eat Dat Pussy 445 with my real nigga Myron Gains on the Fresh & Fat podcast hailing from a parrel universe! And yes....I dm minors in this 1 too motherfckers!

DEATH BATTLE: EDP445 vs. THE COFFEE BEAN

​Location: The Park Snack Bar

Atmosphere: Tension so thick you could cut it with like a cupcake.

​ACT I: The Incident

​EDP445 sat heavily on a concrete picnic table at the park, holding up his phone with a trembling, sweat-slicked hand. His face was beet red, veins threatening to pop out of his forehead as he recorded a rant video.

​"I’m tellin' y'all motherfuckers right now, man!" EDP screamed into the camera, leaning in so close the lens was entirely filled by his forehead. "Chet Goldstein, JiDion, Skeeter Jean... every single one of these faggots can suck a fat one! You hear me?! They talk big on the internet, but if any of them stepped up to me in real life—"

​SWOOSH!

​Out of nowhere, a blur of brown and yellow shot across the snack bar plaza. It was the Coffee Bean, vibrating at 4,000 RPM, locked in a heated feud with Mordecai and Rigby over a bag of sugar. As the Bean lunged to slice open a coffee bag, he miscalculated his trajectory.

​SQUIRT!

​A scalding stream of pitch-black, highly concentrated espresso shot straight into EDP's eye.

​Silence fell over the snack bar. Mordecai and Rigby froze, holding a trash bag. The Coffee Bean hovered in mid-air, making rapid, unintelligible squeaking sounds: "BLABLABLABLA-SHAKASHAKA-COFFEE!"

​EDP slowly lowered his phone. He wiped the boiling brown liquid from his eye, his breathing turning into deep, guttural wheezes. "Yoooo!, is that the Fist Pump guy?" Asked Rigby.

​"Did this... did this fucking glorified brown jellybean just spray me... WITH COFFEE CUM SHIT?!" EDP roared, standing up so fast the concrete picnic table flipped onto its side. "You know who else got sprayed with Coffee Cum?" Muscle Man said. "MY MOM!!!" EDP445 turned boiling red. "THAT IS IT! I’M GONNA BEAT YO SQUIRTIN TITTIE ASS TO THE NEXT DIMENSION!"

​FIGHT!

​ACT II: Dimensional Chaos

​EDP reached into his waistband, pulling out a massive pistol. He squeezed off five rounds, but the Coffee Bean was already gone, leaving only a motion-blur streak of steam. The Bean re-appeared directly behind EDP, his two massive asses clapping together with enough sonic force to generate a shockwave that blew the roof off the snack bar!

​"WHAT THE—" EDP stumbled, taking massive gag-out damage from the sheer audacity of being double-assed by a giant legume.

​Realizing he was out-sped in the physical realm, EDP tapped into his ultimate counter: The Diarrhea-Shit Storm. He squeezed his stomach, releasing a bio-hazardous cloud of toxic rage-gas & shit that engulfed the entire park. The grass instantly died. Mordecai and Rigby vomited simultaneously and fell into a portal to the Void.

​However, the Coffee Bean didn't care about bio-weapons—he was running on pure, unadulterated caffeine! The Bean absorbed the toxic gas, converted it into raw kinetic energy, and began running so fast around EDP that he tore a rift in the fabric of space-time.

​BZZZZZT!

​The rift swallowed both fighters, plunging them through dimensions. One second they were in cartoon-land, the next they were tumbled onto the blacktop of a real-world Bakersfield apartment lots in California!

​ACT III: The Meme Paradox vs. The Bean

​Now in the Real World Dimension, EDP’s passive abilities kicked in.

​"YOU CAN'T KILL ME MF!" EDP yelled, his body glowing with a faint, greasy aura of Internet Meme Immunity. "I’M A GODDAMN MEME PARADOX WHO ALWAYS COMES BACK! UNCLE LESTER FUELS MY EXISTENCE!"

​EDP reached into his pocket and pulled out the 13 Legendary Cupcakes of Fatfuckia, shoving all thirteen into his mouth at once. His stats exploded. His rage rants against the Philadelphia Eagles amplified tenfold, creating a localized hurricane of sound waves that shattered car windows across the city.

​The Coffee Bean stumbled back, stunned by the auditory assault of a grown man screaming about a football team's offensive line. EDP took advantage, waddling forward at a terrifying 4 miles per hour, aiming his meme-move (The Fist Bump) right at the Bean’s face.

​"THIS IS FOR MY CUPCAKES, YOU FUCKING BOOTYHEADED FAG!"

​The fistbump connected—but the Coffee Bean didn't break.

​Because the Bean was literally made of caffeine, the kinetic force of the punch only brewed him harder.

​The Bean’s eyes flared red. "BLABLABLABLA-EXTRA SHOT!"

​Using the speed advantage that EDP could never match, the Coffee Bean zipped around EDP’s legs 400 times in half a second, wrapping him tightly in his own oversized Eagles jersey. EDP fell forward like a felled oak tree, striking the pavement with a loud THUD.

​Before EDP could activate his meme-respawn, the Coffee Bean vibrated at the resonant frequency of reality itself, phase-shifting directly through EDP's stomach and stealing the digested energy of all 13 Cupcakes.

​With a final, hyperactive leap, the Coffee Bean dropped his iconic double-butt stomp directly onto EDP's back, sending EDP plunging back through the dimensional rift, sealing him inside a permanent comment section loop deep in the dark web of Reddit.

​K-OOOOOH!

​The Coffee Bean landed gracefully back in the park, dusted off his bean-skin, and took a deep sip of his translator's mug. "Coffee Coffeeeeee!"

​WINNER: THE COFFEE BEAN

Peak into EDP’S dreams where he is rich & hanging with his main pedo nigga.