Going silent for weeks at a time normal?
My PDA husband just extended his two week work trip with one more week. He informed me this as a reply to a text I sent a week and a half after he left. We didn’t communicate in between because I needed a nervous system reset and he prefers not to talk to me when he’s gone.
I didn’t want to upset him so texted back ‘Okay’ to his extension, and then if he felt like it, he could call/text me when he had time (essentially trying to give the message I feel better, I’m good to communicate).
He didn’t contact me and I called him the next night. He didn’t answer right away, but called me back a few minutes later.
I could already tell he was irritated I had called. He becomes this cold, angry stranger that I’ve seen before once or twice when he’s in shutdown or just super overwhelmed.
He seems to seethe with threatening energy (without actually verbally threatening me) and no matter what I say (I was very nice and tried to ask how the country is, food is, apologized for disturbing him, but probably asked too many questions for his taste) he is like a sleeping dragon that was woken and is not happy about it. The phone call was very unpleasant for me despite maintaining friendly composure to the end, it didn’t last long. But I was pretty shaken by it.
It is incredibly difficult and frightening to be not witnessing a PDA shutdown, but a shutout. He says things are great for him there, he’s going to work no problem, hanging out with people there and going out to eat, etc, but he does NOT want to talk to me or even be reminded that I exist.
I’m guessing he will not make contact for the next week and no idea what to expect when he gets back (most likely he’ll be primed to see if I have anything but niceness and he’ll act as if nothing happened, this has happened in the past. If I try to talk he will blow up and leave immediately).
According to AI google, he’s in catastrophic burnout and if I just make no demands it will eventually pass. according to a specific site that has been very informative about his ASD/PDA this is not shutdown but shutout because he is perfectly able to function in all other aspects but with me.
I’m not sure which it is, but it’s brutal to be treated this way.
Isn’t it excessive to need weeks of no contact from your spouse? Is it truly just overwhelm that needs that much time?
And if it is, but essentially letting him force this on me, an I just not subscribing to this treatment permanently? Where I’m abandoned for weeks, maybe months at a time?