Struggling with doubts. Doubting Christ, fear of death.
Hello,
I have been trying the past few years to commit myself to my faith, but I spend so much time in doubt, in my opinion. I over-intellectualize everything. I constantly evaluate Christ's existence, the resurrection claims, the alternative materialistic-skeptical positions. And truthfully through my research, I do find the skeptical positions to be major stretches on all alternatives, from death through the empty tomb to resurrection. There has never been a skeptical smoking gun that has left me saying "wow, this flipped my world upside down".
But I still I have these fears of "what if it's all made up...somehow". Is my faith in vain? Christianity doesn't necessarily mean anything bad, as I live it out in my life, so being lied to, in order to live a great and fruitful life isn't all that bad... but I mean in "vain" as in, "is believing in this promise of eternal life, the reunification with my loved ones and the reunification with Jesus Christ" all just a big cope/lie.
I fear death. I fear the death that is not the death described in the Bible. I fear oblivion. I fear dying young and not having a "part 2".
I cry aloud to Christ, I pray endlessly, I give thanks and I am so grateful to Christ for all the blessings I have in my life. Everyday. I put effort everyday into giving up my self-will and let his will be done in my life. I place Christ first in my marriage, in all areas of my life. I speak to others about Christ, I try to help them let him into their lives. In these moments I feel I have to be fully convinced of his existence to be doing any of this....but I feel like a hypocrite. All of these things I do and I am scared to death that I am wrong. My faith seems to be built on sand. And I do not know what to do about it.
Then I meet other Catholics who seem so sure. I wonder why do they seem so sure? What do they know that I don't? How can they live so fearlessly and faithfully?