PSA to studios enabling Blake Lively’s “comeback”: A Survival List
So I keep hearing about Blake Lively and her huge “comeback”? Somehow, an appearance as “Blakey Antoinette” at the “I MET Bezos GALA” didn’t suffice, so Leslie Sloane is blanketing the media with her myriad comeback opportunities…
If a studio has the yummy balls to bust, a 60m+ insurance policy, and collective amnesia, why not? Allow me (and you all as well, in the comments), to provide a blueprint on how to WORK with Blake Lively! Sean Levy told Justin Baldoni to just “go with it” and listen to whatever she says, but I think we can be a little more helpful than that!
The Survival List: Blake is EVERYTHING
The cool thing about working with Blake is she will literally wear ALL the hats! No need for a director, writer, AD, producer, sound/special effects person, editor, audio mixing, wardrobe, casting director, stylist, HR resource, intimacy coordinator…you name it, she does it! Such a good deal for a multitudinous, one-woman show. And I bet you she doesn’t need Taylor Swift either; she will BE the Taylor Swift song you need, at a fraction of the cost!
But here is our list of “KNOW MORE”s (credit to an awesome user in this sub: remember your wit but forgot your name! 🙏) for the uninitiated, because if you fail to implement these, you may still be in for a huge surprise.
“Know More” Blake Lively:
1. Provide BODY DOUBLES for any scene, every take
Remember that whatever costume she is in, she is NUDE underneath. No amount of fabric could hide that fact. Anyone who comes on set is trying to sneak a peek, so make sure to mandate eye-covers/duct tape. If there is a shark in her new island movie, make sure he has a double too—even if he is never used, keep him on “swim by” in a shallow pool because the lead shark can always be fired if he crosses boundaries.
2. Affix a NAKED/CLOTHED Neon Sign in front of her makeup trailer and make sure it works
It may literally serve as a gaslight as she pulls “Opposite Days” on you, but this will at least show that you attempted to provide a signal for when it’s okay to knock on her door. Make sure you record your convos with the security guard stationed in front for further confirmation you were given permission for entry.
3. Make sure ALL crew members wear name tags, no exceptions
She’s not going to read them; this just makes it easier for her to identify who to ignore/isn’t allowed to make eye contact. Some executive producers will also be singled out for “no eye contact” so be on guard!
4. Remove ALL clocks and measurements of time
Among her many hats, Blake Lively will also serve as everyone’s biological clock. The day begins, ends, and bends with her. No questions asked.
5. The Head of HR WILL call people “sexy,” “yummy,” and “ball-busting without teeth” while referring to herself as a “pimp” clothed in “bone-hitting wood”
Because that person is Blake Lively. It’s okay, just don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do it too. Also, don’t ask her what an HR Report is, because she doesn’t know; she will remember everything you say, even if she can’t recall.
6. Dialogue will be VULGAR and “wardrobe” is going to be GLAM, no matter what the character calls for
Blake’s playfully bold personality HAS to come through no matter who she plays, period. Wardrobe-wise, Anna Wintour has given her the keys to the Vogue kingdom, so even if her character is stranded on a deserted island for days, she WIlL wear rhinestone stockings with spikey Loubs and a Magnolia Pearl potato sack. The audience will love it even if everyone online doesn’t.
7. Blake Skin: NOT pornographic; Everyone else’s: NSFW
This one is self-explanatory and directly connected to #6. It’s not porn if it’s “bone-hitting wood” FASHUN! Everyone else better cover up or else you will upset her steak lunch.
8. Co-Stars MUST be below her—literally
That Anna Kendrick was so witty and pithy that Blake was left stuttering in their joint interviews. That must never happen again—good thing Blake’s name was a flick above hers in their movie poster! So to let her be the quickest wit and allow that word salad to shine, find your Jenny Slates, your Brandon Feakins, your Isabela Fs…people that let Blake take center stage and talk about whatever goes into her big hair head. You didn’t sign on THE Blake Lively only for her to be upstaged!
9. Maximum Effort comes with the package
This is not a threat, it’s a fact. It will not be free, and may cost your studio MORE money, since there may be piles of useless, tone-deaf footage that they swear they didn’t make. Just make sure you budget accordingly. Also, needless to say, Ryan Reynolds also comes with the package. He is pretty free these days so expect him on set everyday.
10. Install Signal-esque “auto delete” function for all “dailies”
AI should make this step more efficient and you really must save Blake the time from making the requests herself. Not her nude scene though—those are evergreen. All other dailies must auto-delete, even if you’re she’s not done editing the movie, because you don’t know how bad they are for her…you can only guess.
11. If your movie has a good IP it’s Blake Lively’s
Self-explanatory. Moving on.
12. Make Blake Lively sign her contract FIRST
Before filming begins. Before the agents make contact. Before the deluge. She’s not going to do it, but skip this step and FAFO!
…can’t wait to see The Survivor List!