u/Equivalent_Bid4612

Assalamu alaykum,

I (F) am writing here today because I feel like I’m drowning in anxiety and overthinking. Let me explain my situation a bit:

I was born Muslim in a secular/Christian country, in a family that was very lax in religion (almost no one prayed or fasted, and I was never really taught Islam properly). To be honest, I barely even knew what it meant to be Muslim growing up.

Because of my school friendships, which were also far from religion and sometimes even critical of it, I ended up drifting away from Islam as well (may Allah forgive me).

However, after a significant trauma, I was gradually brought back to the religion, alhamdulilLah, through better company. This started around the age of 20.

Since then, I truly believe in Allah and I started fasting (even if not perfect) and doing some prayers, etc. But still made significant major sins.

Recently, I’ve been trying to sincerely repent and become consistent with my prayers again. However, I have committed many sins in the past (including major sins). I deeply regret them despite repenting and stopping, but I struggle a lot with anxiety (I have an anxiety disorder, fear of death, and hypochondria).

I have a medical exam in two weeks that could potentially reveal a life-threatening illness, and I feel like I am completely falling apart. I’m extremely anxious, regretting my whole life, and I feel like I’ve ruined everything and can never make up for my mistakes. I’m terrified, I can’t talk to anyone about it, and I really need advice.

What should I do? How can I avoid despair? I’ve read a lot about the immense mercy of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala), but I still feel like with all my missed prayers, sins, and late repentance, I won’t have enough time to truly rebuild my faith and make it sincere.

I am scared that الله is angry with me :( I just wanna be perfect for Him.

I’m so scared. If anyone can give me their perspective, I would really appreciate it. May Allah bless you and accept all of our repentance, ameen.