I just don't know how to be a decent person
Every time I try to do something good or be kind, I'm almost immediately met with a reminder that I am just not a good guy, objectively or subjectively. I try to be happy for someone else, but I cannot. I actually try to be happy for them, but my insecurity that if someone else is ahead of me, then others would choose them, always prevents me from actually experiencing true appreciation for someone else's accomplishments. No matter how much I want to be the guy that someone can talk to if they feel burdened, I can never be that guy because I don't possess any quantifiable good characteristics. I try to change by trying to be less impulsive, or to listen more and speak less, or to just be a better person, but I feel like every time I do that, I still find a way to screw up, and then the other person looks at me worse than they did before. I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm not a good friend, not a good brother, not a good son. I feel like I am just not good, and I don't know where to go.