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I want to explain it in a deeper manner, and I am venting about alot in here please do not read if you are having a hard time yourself,this might not make you feel better
I was in 5-6th grade, some of bullies made me steal 500 rs from my dad's wallet and then I used to get harassed/ cursed ata almost daily and I couldn't speak up as till my 4th grade i saw my dad getting schizophrenic attacks and I witnessed the violent acts he did, the cursing, the hitting onto people , the smoking addiction (which exists as of now as well, along with some level of obesity) , once he randomly got mad at me and picked up a cooker to smash on my head and
whatnot, it was worse till my 4th grade but got little better by my 5th grade but i was scared to my core, everything felt like shambles and the only friends I had were this group of bullies who used to constantly extort me, a couple of non bullies used to watch all this silently and let it pass, I somehow spoke up in my 9th grade and was beaten by my dad for lying and stealing, he cried that day, never saw him cry in my life. I believe I had a high cortisol at that moment too, my face had swollen from right side once just out of stress, I still live in the same locality while the bullies moved to different countries / cities (some still are here in the locality), this place still makes me feel like shit and sometimes it haunts me to visit the places we used to "play" at. Sometimes I feel like I am not worthy of existence and sometimes I feel like I should hurt them, I know it won't change anything but I also know that this whole scenario keeps a lot of space in my head. I currently have practically 0 friends, other than those who are there just out of pity of my condition, I do not share this bully thing to anyone, no matter how close someone is, I believe I lost someone who could've been a great life partner to me because of the same, she was too understanding to me but I never understood her.
To cope with all this I used to sob and almost used to lose myself in the talks i used to do with her, she was more understanding to me than my family. But I didn't understand that she did it as a friend and not as a lover, perhaps I failed to see it and used to push her for a relationship even though she made it clear that my financial situation and my sobbingly pessimist attitude is too messed up for a relationship.
Being average to me means financially unstable, less overall satisfaction with life and having to deal with hard situations like waiting in line of a government hospital in my old age or depending on someone else to take care of my finances, my overall thought on being average is that money might not directly give me happiness, but it can surely keep me closer to happiness, if i can randomly decide to go on an interstate trip (hope it can turn into international too) without any remorse or being worried about the monthly expenses/ groceries and other stuff, id call myself above average, I do not want fame, I just want to be rich enough to do what i want to.