u/FancyFeast96

I was recently diagnosed with an intimal sarcoma. I was rushed to the ER back in March for congestive heart failure. Within 24 hours later, I was having open heart surgery for the removal of a 5 cm tumor in my right atrium. The surgery was successful. My surgeon thought it was a benign tumor/myxoma.

Surprise surprise! It was a high grade intimal sarcoma! A PET scan revealed no cancer cells in my right atrium or heart,lungs…everything else. I started doing scans and being seen at a top cancer center this past month. My sarcoma oncologist wants me to do chemo/ doxorubicin and ifosfamide: 6 rounds over 4.5 months.

They found some suspicious spots (two incredibly tiny ones in my brain MRI). I met with the brains Mets team and they didn’t seem convinced that they’re metastatic spots. They’re so tiny, that they’re going to wait until 6 weeks to see what they do.

My sarcoma oncologist told me that I’m terminal if the spots are in fact brains Mets. However, my brain oncologists told me that brain Mets would be very unusual coming from my intimal sarcoma that was in my heart. I didn’t like hearing that I’m terminal and with only 5 years to live. This is all so unreal to me and I have the feeling that my sarcoma oncologist wants me to take this very seriously (I know it’s more than serious but gosh…I don’t want to do chemotherapy.)

I do but I don’t want to go through it. I feel absolutely fine and I was looking forward to this “new life” “second life” after open heart surgery. I recovered beautifully afterwards and was just beginning to enjoy my life. Now I’m part of this group (I’ve met great people) that I don’t want to be a part of. I feel like a ghost that doesn’t want to be dead.

Part of my just wants to shave my head and eyebrows off. Pull a whole Brittney Spears. I want to call them and say I’m ready to start chemo tomorrow. I’m so fucking tired of not having control of my body and being at appointment after appointment. I’m trying to prepare by buying wigs and things for chemo but the reality is…I’m not sure if it’s even worth it. My doctor seems so doom and gloom about my prognosis but they’re also telling me that they want to cure me.

The oncologist asked me when I want to start chemo if I want to…she’s giving me the choice. I know I should do it. Can someone tell me that it’s worth it? I honestly wish someone would just tell me to do it and get it over with. I need a last push. My loved ones need me to do this. I just feel great but everyone keeps telling me I need to do this…I know I’m going to feel physically awful and possibly feel awful about myself.

Thank you for reading and letting me feel bad about myself. Please give me this last push.

Btw: I have a therapist and I’m in talks with my social workers. I need to meet and hear from other young cancer patients and survivors. Maybe someone has felt or feels the way I do. Right now I feel like I’m the only one.

Sorry I want to add more things I’d like to bitch about…
It was like my oncologist unloaded on me a whole bunch of my favorite things I’ll no longer have…

1. My long hair.

She told me I’d look good in a bob. Like I don’t want a fuck ass Bob. I don’t want to have cancer.

1. My nails (I had long acrylics).
2. My long eyelashes.
3. No unprotected sex with my boyfriend.
4. Not to mention my normal ass life.
5. My alcoholic drinks.

I know no one died but I feel like a part of me died. I’m no longer carefree, drinking margaritas on a Tuesday evening, long hair in the air conditioned indoors, healthy life, getting bikini waxes, and switching jobs type of girl (luckily I have good insurance/ secure full time job).

I understand how fortunate I am. I’m thankful for my loved ones, umm kinda general good health (I’m not sure I can even say that anymore) and my health insurance. But FUCK.