Afraid of "ugly" drawings
Idk what flair to choose hope this one fits
Anyway. I began drawing when I was younger, almost 10 years ago. I used to draw daily, follow tutorials, and I became obssesed with getting better at drawing, it used to bring me so much joy. But after going through some nasty stuff, I've stopped for a while and had a hard time getting back into it. I've started having an almost love hate relationship with drawing and became a lot more perfectionistic.
The more time passed, the more frustrated I got while drawing because I felt as if I should be improving faster. I felt embarrassed that I was drawing for so long yet still knew so little, and that made me be a lot less patient with myself. I know it's stupid and this is just leading me to practicing less thus improving less, but it's how I subconsciously think and its hard to unlearn. As a result, I also mostly sketch because anything more detailed feels daunting. I'm afraid of rendering because I'm afraid of a sketch I like turning ugly and feeling as if I "worked for nothing". I used to post on Instagram back in the day and I think I still draw with the idea of posting/showing it to people in mind.
But it's hard to draw without thinking of an audience. I draw for myself first and foremost, but I think its silly to say none of us desire to show off our work. Still, I know I've got my ego too wrapped up in this. I conflate the quality of my work too much with my own value and i think a part of me is too busy looking for approval from others to enjoy the process anymore.
This is all not helped by the fact that I recently got my first job, which is making managing my time a lot harder. When I do get to draw, I don't usually tend to do it for long, and I hate sitting down to draw and feeling as if I forgot how to. By the time I get the hang of it, I need to stop to do something else. Alternatively, I end up still being in that ugly, figuring stuff out phase and then I get frustrated that I struggled so much only to make some middling art.
Ultimately, I want to stop being so stupidly hard on myself and just do what I enjoy. How does one get over the fear of failure? How does one get over the fear of their efforts being undermined just because the end result isn't impressive?