Fiction, BL romance beginning snippet, opinions? Finish or naw? JK. I don’t talk like that but it seemed catchy and current 😜
I’ll start by saying— I’m extremely nervous to post anything I have written. Since middle school, I have been making up stories for in my head. I will ‘imagine’ different stories for weeks, sometimes months at a time. Sometimes from start to finish. Mainly just moments and then I move on to something else, different scenarios, different characters.
But I have never officially wrote anything. I wanted to post a snippet for feedback. Is this worth continuing? Is my writing style easy to follow or too wordy? Is it interesting or boring?
38/F for reference, married with 3 little busy bees
Genre- romance, drama, somewhat criminal justice later on (barely touched on in the snippet posted), BL…
… if that’s not your cup of tea— i understand. But I am looking for constructive criticism on my writing, not opinions on genre or life style. Not trying to be rude.
No title, not finished, somewhat of a ‘vision’ but no clear ending, want to finally finish one of my ‘stories’ in my head and give character some closure
Warning- some explicit language, mental illness, light reference to trauma
POV- Kai
The clusterfuck that had become his evening wasn’t even over but it had reached a much more comfortable level of fucked up. Kai took a deep breath and stared at the culprit of his ruined Friday evening. The jerk had the audacity to snuggle his stupid, bloodied face into Kai’s clean comforter and pillow. Kai grimaced and looked over at his laptop’s sleeping screen, untouched drawing tablet and still opened Foundations of Art text book. He then looked over at his kitchen counter where his dinner sat untouched, cold and soggy. He regretted many choices tonight that led up to this moment and the human shaped lump under his blankets.
Three hours earlier…
Kai was excited and looking forward to a long weekend of rest. He planned to clean his apartment, finish up his project from his color theory class and catch up on some reading from his Foundations of Art book. He’d already cleaned and his apartment smelled like the warm vanilla candle burning on his bedside table. It smelled like comfort and peace to him. Monday was Labor Day so he had no work or classes. If he got everything else done tonight he could spend his Saturday, Sunday and Monday doing his favorite thing which was… not a thing. Nothing. Nada.
Well, not exactly nothing. He’d read, sketch, watch anime, eat ramen and ice cream, water and tend to his plants and listen to his favorite bands. He didn’t want to encounter another breathing thing though, especially the kind that talked.
He ran almost everyday (for his mental health according to a therapist) but only late at night or early in the morning. So he rarely encountered anyone except for a few stray cats. He didn’t feel that running made him any better inside but he liked not being completely out of shape.
His weekend plans weren’t the plans you would expect from a 20 year old guy. He had come to terms with the fact that he was pretty much a hermit compared to today’s standard 20’year old male. But a boring but peaceful weekend with no people was fine with him. Great, even.
He sat down ready to read the chapters he was behind on while he ate his dinner. Unexpectedly, his phone rang. Kai frowned. He had already plugged his phone up for the night as it was after 9 PM . The likelihood of him getting a call was almost zero. So, the sound of the shrill ringer surprised him. But when the caller ID read ‘Pest’ he was flabbergasted. He literally spewed energy drink all over bedside table which inadvertently put his candle out with a sizzle. In hindsight, that was the actual sound of his peace being burned to ashes.
He blinked hard and stared at the caller ID to be certain he wasn’t hallucinating, as they hadn’t exchanged calls in close to 3 years. Hell, they hadn’t talked at all in 3 years. When he answered, he was met with a loud female voice screaming, ‘Drink, drink, drink!’ Then, a crowd of excited screams exclaiming, ‘Yeaaaaa!’ Someone must have drank it well.
‘Wren…Wren is that you? Did you mean to call me? Hello?’
The only answer he received was blaring music and a wailing sound that resembled a wounded animal. WTF? Kai was positive it was a butt dial and was about to hang up when he heard ‘Hey Bambi...’ He held the phone with a death grip and stared with blurred eyes down at the shaggy rug he stood on by his bed. But he didn’t see the dark blue faux fur though. Instead, in his mind’s eye, he saw a tall young man with soaking wet dark hair plastered to his forehead, a miserable, pale face, wearing a dark suit and carrying a casket with 5 other young men, in the pouring rain.
Kai swallowed hard and shook his head trying to clear away the past visual that made his stomach ache. ‘You have to come get me. I need—.’ It was stated in drunken yet deliberate way. But it was definitely Wren’s low and husky voice.
‘You need what? Why are you calling me? Is this a prank or a dare or something?’ But he wouldn’t be getting any answers as Wren had already hung up. Kai stared at the phone screen that stated the call had ended at 32 seconds. He gave a short laugh. Only 32 seconds? Why did he feel sick then? Why was he already in a cold sweat and starting to shake from the inside? How could a 32 second phone call with little dialogue affect him this badly.
He went back into his call log just to triple check that he did in fact receive a call from Wren Carter. His hands were shaky and his fingers felt numb making his attempts clumsy and almost ineffective. He tried calling back but it went straight to voicemail. Ugh! First time hearing from him in years and in less than a minute, it’s already like this!
Kai laid the phone down. He went to the restroom to wash his face with icy cold water and stared at himself in the mirror. His already pale face appeared ashen with purple tinged lips. He hadn’t realized he was panting. He closed his eyes and visualized a garden full of colorful flowers and green, leafy vines. He began counting the flowers in his mind’s garden. He took a slow, measured breath in and counted. 1-2-3-4 flowers. He held the breath and counted. 5-6-7-8 flowers. He released the breath and counted. 9-10-11-12 flowers.
He repeated these steps until he had counted 44 flowers. He felt calm and his color had returned to normal. The voice on the phone wasn’t even the main culprit for inducing his panic but just a reminder of the past that he tried so hard not to think about.
He felt familiar dull ache in his stomach that he hadn’t felt for almost a year. He went to the kitchen that was only a few steps away from the bathroom. Actually, everything was only a few steps away as he lived in a very small apartment. It was small but clean and tidy. It was basically two rooms. A bathroom and everything else—open floor plan, if you will. But it was enough.
In the kitchen, he found two prescription antacids. One for daily use and the other for faster relief. He went ahead and tossed back two tums while he was at it. As he chewed the chalky, fruit flavored tablet he heard his phone ding with a text.
He approached his phone like it was a snake. He sat on the bed and picked up the phone slowly with dread. The text came from an unknown number and only contained a pinned location. From the address he knew it was in downtown which was only about 15 mins from his apartment complex. Kai chewed his nail staring at the address. He jumped up but then quickly sat back down and stared some more. What if this is a prank?
He got up again and walked to the bathroom staring at his comfy clothes that were meant for home and being in bed. He would not change. He walked to the door, back to his bed, back to his desk and then back to his bathroom. He basically took about 20 steps to circle his tiny apartment.
Staring at himself yet again, he finally made up his mind and walked in a determined way to his closet. He didn’t want to go. Like really, really, REALLY didn’t want to go. But… what if something bad happens? It’s not like him and Wren had a close relationship. Wren had been best friends with Kai’s older brother, Taro, years ago.
End of snippet. 🤣 if you read this far—thank you so much! Please give me any feedback. I’m a stay at home mom. My littles are getting bigger and I’m looking for something to fulfill the extra time
I have lately. But I don’t want to put my efforts and time into something that.. sucks.