Trying to survive the last 44 days with extreme stress
44 days left until my (hopefully) last exams. After 6 painful years, I'm having my last exams for my mathematics degree.
I've never been more stressed, I even dream of failing my exams. I don't know how to handle my anxiety. Every time I give an exam, I get headaches, my head is spinning, I tremble and my heart is racing.
I've learnt the true meaning of discipline. For the past 2-3 years when I wake up the first thing I'll do is start studying and late at night before I go to bed I'm still studying. I've studied for hours while my puffy red eyes were tearing up uncontrollably, while having a heavy heart, while having an intense headache and while everything around me was absolutely falling apart. It's easier said than done, I feel like I sacrificed my life (and I did) for that degree. I don't remember how my life was before. My degree has been my top priority for so many years, I've completely forgotten who I am without it.
Sure, there are times that I feel like my degree absolutely saved my life in many different ways. It was the only stable thing for me for a long time, always waiting for me, always being there for me. Math has always held and will always hold a special place in my hear, but I'm not planning to use my degree. That degree holds so much trauma for me.
I got knocked down multiple times, so many times that it's probably not possible to count, but every single time I found the courage (god knows how) to get back up and try again. Failure after failure. Disappointment after disappointment. I've thought of giving up a thousand times, but giving up would be harder than putting up a figh, so I choose to stay focused and finish that degree.
Tired is an understatement. I'm mentally and physically absolutely exhausted. I won't be able to afford both financially and emotionally to fail even one exam right now.
That degree might have changed my life in so many ways and it taught me so many things, but honestly, if I could turn back time it's something I wouldn't do again. I hope these are indeed my last exams and hopefully I'll pass them all. I deserve to be free after all these years.
My heart goes to anyone who is the same situation as me. You're not alone, better days are coming, you just have to push through with all the strength you have left.
I don't know how to handle the stress that comes with the last exams. I've had a headache for the past 2 weeks. Every night I just get a headache from stress. It's so awful. Keep me in your thoughts, all I want is to finally be free in 44 days.