I am struggling to see the purpose of this all - 10 days in - need some help (i think) - maybe its more than just smoking.
Those thoughts of mine seem a bit odd when writing them out in front of me, but they deeply wired into me and I wonder if some of you have been at similar points in life - if so I would love to hear your thoughts on it.
I've been smoking since i was 15 regulary - at peak time Malb red 1-2 packs a day. With 23-25 years i started to regulate myself more and it came down to 5-10 cigs a day but also started smoking weed on an almost daily basis. with 27 i figured so much of smoking is just routine and therefore i "quit" smoking and supplemented my desire with nicotine pouches. started of with super heavy ones - 15mg - came down to 6mg - 5-10 pouches a day, but of course when drinking alcohol i smoked again - "im just a casual smoker now" i told myself. I am also a regular stoner - never too much, but still almost everyday a little hip-hop ciggy before bedtime. When people asked why i didn't quit, I told them about my "progress" and said "its all a process, ill get to it", and i still believe it is. Moderate "abuse" isnt too bad - or is it?
10 days ago i had a knee operation and holy shit that hurt - I was awake all night and in a lot of pain. My first reaction ofc - grab a pouch, it helps - but obviously it doesnt - nicotine is the worst after such an operation. And i felt it - it became a devils circle and at 4AM i told the medical workers in the hospital that i cant stand it anymore - They gave me morphine - and I could finally sleep. The next morning i woke up and realised how stupid i was, for this annoying addiction i put myself in physical pain. So i did some research and understood that i could lower the possibilty of a re-injury by 20%. The pain the night before gave me a clear signal. Time to say good bye to nicotine. So I kept strong. 4 days passed and i was out of the hospitale. I wanted to smoke sooooo badly. But I built an AI agent who sent me custom motivation messages of why i shouldnt take a pouch or smoke a cig every 30 mins on my phone and it kept me from doing so. (can recommend that btw :D ) So here i am 28, now 12 days away from my last cigarette, 10 days from nicotine in general. and i can feel the urge becoming less. But.. and thats my big question here: It feels kinda pointless. Why?
First of all, I've been smoking for more than 10 years, and never really felt any health issues. Yeah im sportive and i think my genes are not too bad (regenerationwise). Secondly, It "helps" in so many ways to get through life. Focus before an important call, Stress in general, an actual Break after a lot of work, a fight or a discussion, its a feeling of relief. Its hard to describe. But its good - and i miss it. A lot.
And Third, and thats the most unusual one probably. I dont believe Ill become much older than 50 years anyway. The world is about to fall apart - capitalism is at its end stadium, Wars are rising, Social injustice. It feels like we are weeks away from the next "French Revolution" but this time, "The people" are beeing distracted and manipulated so well, that we fight each other instead of those people at the top exploiting humans, Animals, and nature. Climate change is beeing ignored while threatening our food - if the AMOC collapses. Europe will be without food within 1 year. And please, lets not start about the threadt of AI, biochemical weapons, pandemics, etc. etc. etc. - the list is endless and its getting longer every day. And i just dont see how nothing of all those (some more some less) plausible things won't happen.
But I don't think I'm depressed. Just realistic. I can't complain about my life. Beautiful GF, self employed and successful, good health, couldnt wish for more. So i try to be a stoic. Do what you can control, accept the rest and done.
But i just see myself standing at the brink of an apocalypse with 40 years thinking "fuck - I've been struggling to quit nicotine / weed / alcohol for so long now, and I've been good - but what for? should have just enjoyed my life while I had it"
I dont know if all that makes sense. I'm by no means a heavy user but i am addicted none the less to all of those soft substances and i kinda like it - drugs are cool if you dont overdo them - but still i hate myself for this mindset because deep down i know its bad. But yeah i just dont see the point in sticking to it - 10 days in and it feels like months. Im proud of myself - but really what for? I dont know if im conciously manipulating myself or just reasoning with good arguments on both sides...
Now my question. Have you been there too? is it normal? how are you feeling with this and do you think im just a pessimist or what is happening. Sorry for my bad english - would love to read your thoughts.