Toxic Manager. Should I report him to HR and the Union?
Last week, my husband of 13 years passed away unexpectedly. I found him unresponsive at home. We have an 8-year-old daughter, and our entire world has been turned upside down.
The morning he passed away, I notified my supervisor through the appropriate channels that I would not be coming to work.
Less than 12 hours after I found my husband, my manager sent me a message offering brief condolences and asking me to let him know when I was available for a phone call. A couple of hours later, I told him I could talk, believing he was calling to explain my bereavement benefits or to ask if there was anything I needed.
Instead, after briefly saying he was sorry for my loss, he immediately switched to administrative matters. He asked what type of leave I wanted to use since I had missed work that day and would “probably” miss the following day as well.
I was in complete shock. My response was simply, “I don’t care. Use whatever leave you want. I can’t think right now.”
He then asked how many days I planned to be out because he needed to know for staffing purposes. I explained that my husband’s body was still with the Medical Examiner and that I couldn’t even schedule funeral services because I didn’t know when he would be released. He asked me to give him an update after the weekend, and I told him I would try.
My husband’s funeral services took place a few days later. My manager attended one of the services, so he knew exactly when my husband was being laid to rest.
A couple of days later, he contacted me again. During the call, he asked how I was doing. I told him I was not okay and that I was simply trying to stay strong for my daughter. After another brief expression of sympathy, he immediately returned to administrative matters.
He told me that because I had not called him with an update, and because bereavement leave had ended, he expected me to provide a return-to-work date. I apologized and explained that the day he expected me to call was the day I buried my husband and that I didn’t have the emotional or physical energy to make phone calls.
His response was, “I know, but I needed to know because I have to plan staffing.”
I apologized again. He asked when I planned to return to work, and I told him I hoped to return the following week if I felt emotionally able. He simply said, “Okay,” and ended the conversation.
These phone calls have added tremendous stress during the worst week of my life. At no point did I feel genuine compassion, empathy, or concern for my well-being. Instead, I felt pressured to focus on staffing while I was still trying to process the sudden loss of my husband, plan his funeral, and help my young daughter cope with losing her father.
Unfortunately, this was not an isolated incident.
Before my husband’s passing, I had already experienced concerns with this manager regarding my use of leave. On one occasion, he asked me to reschedule a specialist appointment for my daughter because he did not want me taking the day off, even though we had been waiting months for that appointment.
He also commented that I was using “quite a bit” of leave and mentioned that some employees develop patterns of requesting leave around holidays. I explained that I make every effort to be dependable and that I use leave responsibly. When I have appointments for myself or family members, I usually schedule them so I only need a few hours away from work rather than taking an entire day. I intentionally try to conserve my leave and have rarely called in sick except when I was genuinely ill or had no other option.
Later that day, he again brought up employees who take leave around holidays or vacations, even though I told him that description did not apply to me.
A coworker has encouraged me to contact both my union and Human Resources because she believes my manager’s conduct has created a hostile work environment.
I understand that managers have staffing responsibilities. However, there is a time, a place, and a compassionate way to have those conversations. Calling me less than 12 hours after I found my husband to discuss leave, and then expecting me to call on the day I buried him to provide a return-to-work date, felt incredibly insensitive and lacking in empathy.
I have continued to replay these conversations in my mind because they have caused me additional pain during a time when I am simply trying to survive, grieve the loss of my husband, and be strong for my daughter.
I would genuinely appreciate hearing from others. Would you report this to your union or Human Resources? Do you believe this conduct was inappropriate, or am I overreacting?