From tuna melt to “She would have loved you”
Disclaimer: Wrote this as a response to a comment on my earlier post but it felt worth sharing on its own. The following is completely me projecting myself onto Ilya. And this is based on the show (the book of course had a few things different).
Ilya’s guard is up post tuna melt. He thinks if he becomes too real with Shane, Shane will leave. Even Tampa is more about Shane coming out and telling Ilya he likes him. To Ilya, that just sounds like he probably wants to be in an exclusive relationship, not that he is in love with him or planning a future with him. That’s why again when he gets emotional, he says sorry because he’s scared that this will push Shane away. Shane saying no is a signal that maybe this time it’s different, and so he lets go for a moment there. And then we also get a “Goodnight Shane” that’s his first step testing the waters. And of course Shane’s response assures him that they are past that stage. The kiss during the all stars was also very telling of this behaviour.
All of the meetings after that, there is a step-by-step letting go of his guard. Shane again gives him multiple signs by calling him first and letting him know that he is invested in this emotionally and that Ilya can talk to him about anything. This gives Ilya the courage to call him, and the whole confession in Russian was a huge step for him. He finally admitted to himself what Shane meant to him and what he wanted from life.
The conversation before the game, the intense eye locks during, and the almost crying at the hospital scene were all further ways of him pulling those layers below. On top of that, during the accident, even the idea of losing another loved one at that point was just completely unfathomable to Ilya. Then in the hospital, Shane sees exactly how shaken up he is, reassures him that he’s okay, and invites him to his cottage. But at this point, Ilya is still unsure if Shane just wants a realistic way out of this to see where it goes, or if it is something more.
Scott and Kip’s kiss really pushes him to at least give himself and this relationship a chance at what could become. Plus, he wants to spend as much time with Shane as possible, even if the ending is bittersweet.
On the way to the cottage he admits he’s terrified, which on the surface could read like they would be spending so much time together and they may get caught. But it’s also because he’s terrified he’s going to fall deeper or, even worse, say or do something that drives Shane away again. Shane gives him a subtle hint that this is something more as he hopes they would be relaxing and not just being lovers, lol.
Then at the cottage, Ilya tries to brush down the fact that he hasn’t been with anyone else since their last time. He tries to make it not a big deal because he doesn’t want Shane to read too much into that. This prompts Shane to say “let’s be honest about the way we feel”. Ilya says he’ll try with some hesitation.
One of the first ways of him trying to open up is by asking more about David and Yuna, trying to gauge how serious this is for Shane. Then during the bonfire, it’s almost meditative as he’s staring at the fire and sharing more about his mother than he did before. Then the "I like you" happens.
Then during this scene, Shane again gives him a sign that he’s not into it just for the sex and that it means something to him. Ilya starts to get it but still in that moment decides to wait. Then he shares that he doesn’t want to go back to Russia, and maybe he'll play for Canada.
Then the whole “don’t marry Svetlana” happens, and during this entire conversation Ilya is slowly admitting that he is interested only in Shane. This is in direct contrast to the last time they had this conversation where he was just trying to gauge where Shane is at and tell him that he is important to him like Svetlana. But here, he says that it’s only him that he is interested in that way. Shane tearing up and telling him they will find another way was also a very important indication to Ilya that this is probably serious.
Then the whole masterful life planning by Shane was a clear indication that this is not just another relationship, but that Shane wants to be with him forever. So he finally gathers the courage to say "I love you," which he had previously admitted to himself, but now to Shane directly. And even then he is shit scared if he said it too early, and only when Shane says it back, his heart is lifted, hence the "it doesn’t hurt anymore" because he knows that they both feel the same way.
But the real last straw was Shane wanting to name and dedicate the charity to his mother. That showed Ilya that this is not just some tactical plan Shane came up with for them, but that he genuinely cares about Ilya, listens to him, and understands how much his mother meant to him. And then we finally get the “she would have loved you” which in some ways is much more important to Ilya than just him loving Shane.