Pregnant, Anxious, and Questioning
After being a fence sitter for a long time, my partner and I (30F) decided to try for kids. I got pregnant in the first month, which was not what I expected due to some health conditions and I’m feeling very scared and overwhelmed.
Having a kid might be nice and I think my partner would be a great parent, but I’m suddenly paralyzed with all the different things that could go wrong and something that I found I can’t wrap my head around is severe autism or disability. It’s quite possible I have undiagnosed autism myself, which has made me start to worry more.
I grew up in not great circumstances, and while my mom says having kids is the best thing ever, I have vivid memories of her anger, depression and rage at my actions when I was younger. I grew up very fast and I’ve had to be a caregiver for others in my life before.
Suddenly, now that I’m pregnant I can’t stop thinking about what that would mean if I had a child with severe autism or other intense special needs and whether I’d be able to meet those needs in a selfless manner. I grew up next to a family with a son who had severe autism and had very violent episodes...
Thinking about that now with the potential of becoming a parent makes me stressed and anxious. I don’t know if I could bring a kid into the world, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to handle that appropriately.
I’m only 5 weeks and am crying all the time and have had very intense depressive periods where I think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I’ve already scheduled an appointment with my therapist but am curious about everyone else’s experiences.
I know I have access to an abortion, but I feel like if I have one now I could risk hurting my relationship and would likely close the door on having kids permanently. I feel like a failure for feeling this way when I know others desperately try for a kid, meanwhile I’m terrified of the life I have built for myself being entirely ruined.