If Allah knows what is best for me, how should I understand repeatedly losing the things I sincerely beg Him to protect through dua?
From childhood until now, almost everything I have sincerely asked Allah for in my duas and in my prayers, with all the dedication and hope I had, has somehow been taken away from my life in the most painful way.
I’m not talking about haram relationships or things like that.
I’m talking about those moments in life when you feel completely helpless and powerless. When you sit on your prayer mat and beg Allah for His mercy. When you make dua with tears in your eyes because you genuinely have nowhere else to turn.
And yet, it feels like none of it makes a difference.
I know life is a test. I know there are lessons in hardship. I know that sometimes what we desperately want may not actually be good for us, and that Allah knows what we don’t.
But at some point, don’t we get to ask, won’t Allah show some mercy?
I’m currently going through something extremely difficult. I made istighfar over and over. I prayed Salat al Hajat. I begged Allah for help. And eventually, I told Allah:
“Ya Allah, if nothing else, please at least let me keep my dignity and honor intact.”
And somehow, even that was taken away from me.
Now I’m genuinely scared to ask Allah for anything.
Because I keep thinking: What if I ask for it, and Allah takes it away too?
I tried to accept it the first few times. I told myself, maybe that thing wasn’t right for me. Maybe Allah has something better planned.
But then what am I supposed to think when it keeps happening?
What if nothing is right for me?
What do you hold onto when, even at the lowest and most desperate point of your life, you turn to Allah, make dua with everything you have left in you, and it feels like your duas are heard, only to be thrown away?
I’m not asking this out of arrogance or anger at Allah. I’m asking because I’m exhausted. I’m hurt. And honestly, I’m losing the courage to ask Allah for anything at all.