I went into Septic Shock 1 month ago and I feel like the gravity of the situation hasn’t fully hit me yet.
I feel totally numb. I was released from the hospital exactly one month ago tomorrow. As I was getting sick I was in total denial of what was happening. I felt terrible but I brushed it off as no big deal. I was trying to work the day before I went to the hospital when I could not even string a sentence together. I almost tried to get on a flight for a business trip that night.
When I got to the ER I felt guilty for using a wheelchair because it felt like lying and pretending to be sicker than I was. I told the person who brought me to ICU he made a mistake. The whole time I was there I just didn’t understand. I couldn’t walk for a week and I still need a walker to leave my house. I feel guilty like I should be stronger than I am. (I am 35)
I cried for the first time today about this whole ordeal but it was brief. Just to add-I live in a developing country about 8000 miles away from my family and went through this whole thing without them in an unfamiliar healthcare system.
I am partially back at work now (although I was trying to work from the ICU and hospital and was working the second I got home)
People keep telling me I look great and I am back to normal but I am not at all. I went through a lot of trauma in the hospital but I just can’t feel it. It hasn’t hit me that I almost died. I feel so alone in all of this and no matter how hard I try, I just don’t know how to stop putting on a brave and happy face and going about my business pretending to be fine even though it is wearing me out. I don’t know how to process this. I am working with a therapist but I still haven’t gotten there and really felt what has happened. It’s like I feel like I want to explode but I can’t.
How did any of you process this? I don’t even know where to start.