Progress update almost 2 years
It's been almost 2 years since I quit Zoloft cold turkey so a lot of things have been on my mind. Thankfully I don't hyper focus on things like I used to, but since I'm approaching two years I thought I'd write a little update, if nothing else as a reminder to myself.
In the beginning my entire body felt physically numb, and it seemed that the most sensitive areas became the most numb: genitals, neck, nipples, face. I also felt completely zombified mentally aside from incredible anxiety that was just constant. Eventually I developed severe derealization where I felt completely disconnected from reality. My libido was nonexistent and orgasms were muted. I had a general feeling of bad, I just felt bad to my very core, like I was sick but there was nothing observably wrong with me.
Today my mind has improved greatly. After a lot of hard work my anxiety is better than it has ever been my whole life. I'm still trying to shake the derealization but it has improved. My libido and connection to my sexuality is much better, not perfect but better. I used to feel fully asexual but now I can actually get turned on by porn, I even feel the desire to check out hot guys I pass on the street.
Physically most of my body has improved, genitals are unfortunately way behind with my penis specifically having the least improvement. But my orgasms are very good a lot of the time so at least there's that. Strangely, stimulating my prostate feels a lot better than any other external sensation, so I'm trying to work with that when I can. Oh yeah, I'm very ticklish now too. That was one way I could track my physical sensation returning.
I still get frustrated every once in a while that I can't feel what I'm supposed to be feeling, but most of the time I'm able to just roll with it and focus on what I can feel. I'm still noticing small improvements overtime so I'm able to hold on to the hope that one day things will return to 100%. It's taking an agonizingly slow time but at least it's happening.
If I can leave you with one piece of advice it would be this: Abandon the goal of returning to "normal". Normal is a very loose concept and especially if multiple years have gone by, you will never return to exactly who you were before. You've been through so much, so much has changed, and you've most likely done a lot of mental and physical work on yourself in the spirit of getting better. Instead try to get to know who you are now, and use that as a jumping off point to work towards who you want to be. You can still be inspired by who you were in the past but remember that that person doesn't exist anymore so trying to find your way back will be an endless task that only leads to frustration.