Hi all. I decided to share my story with dp/dr. This is rather long but I hope you read this to the end.
It all started two months ago. We could go further to the chronic stressors, not living the way I want to (bc it's not possible, I still have to study even though I don't want to).
The start of this year was stressful for me: I was doing my bachelor's thesis and a huge project with crocheting and I started getting hyperaroused and couldn't sleep properly. I started going to gym and took it seriously - but thinking back, it was not good to push myself to the limits physically too. That left me exhausted and my anxiety started to build up.
Then there was unfortunate news at the same time - my mom's colleague died at young age for cancer, there was some arson near me and on top of that, my brother moved near me, and usually that's nice, but we haven't been really close and it's giving me mixed feelings. All that happened in four days. I noticed it was starting to really get worse with my mental health, I remember telling my bf I have been feeling a little bit anxious and low. Well, I didn't know what was still coming.
It was 4th of March and I went to school. I remember feeling tired, I hadn't slept well (which was normal for that time bc I was stressed with all doing and not resting enough and getting my nervous system down). I was there, we were doing all these bodily practices (I'm studying art and it was a course of modern art). Just before lunch (hungry, tired plus sleep deprivation) we were having this one practice. The teacher guided us: close your eyes and let a partner walk with you in the classroom. I thought ok, I remember being my eyes closed had been a little bit hard for me when I was a kid in these kind of situations, but I was like ok, let's do it. Thinking back, I started getting anxious the second I closed my eyes and gave my hand to my partner. I remember saying that this feels scary and I hope we are not bumping to anyone.
All I can remember: the practice lasted for 10 minutes and for that whole time, I felt anxious. I noticed it was extremely uncomfortable for me. Because I couldn't see, I wasn't walking on my own, we couldn't talk anything. I I could do was touching some objects occasionally and even they were moved. I completely lost my orientation with time, place and environment. I started getting so anxious I had to open my eyes. I just had to. I remember thinking "When this is finally over, I will feel so weird". And I did.
The world looked and felt SO FOREIGN, WEIRD AND SCARY. I remember looking outside: everything was flat, I knew where I was, but it felt like all my memories with that place had been erased. ALL. I couldn't feel them. I remember I thought about my mom (to get some security in that moment): she didn't feel familiar. My home didn't feel familiar. I remember just thinking: I want to go home, I want to go home! But even that didn't feel familiar and calming. It was horrible and that whole experience was honestly pretty traumatizing. It was the scariest moment in my life. I started to feel that my consciousness was collapsing every 5 seconds, like I was "waking up" to where I was again and again. The thing that happened 5 seconds ago seemed dreamlike and distant. I couldn't keep hold on things. My mind wasn't making continuum of what was happening around me. It was horrifying. It felt like my sanity, place in the world or brain was somehow collapsing.
Well, I went home and called my mom: that didn't help. It has now been 2 months and I have had 3 somehow similar experiences: everything start to feel "far", foreign, like the whole world is going "further". It's hard to explain. They have happened in school, which seems to be triggering environment for me. I have felt that weird, distant feeling since then, 24/7. Like I am not in the world but rather watching it. Not in my body. Not feeling familiar with things. My memories feel weird. I can't even have normal conversations bc I feel so out of everything and not emotionally connected and not clear about what we are even thinking about. This has affected my relationships, my hobbies, everything. My sense of time, my sense of being in place. My plans, thinking. There is nothing to escape this to. I try to do things normally but this feeling is everywhere. I have felt that going back to normal life, feelings and daily life seems scary and "too much". I don't know if I can handle it if I get out of this somehow. Life feels scary. I don't know how other people handle it so well.
I have been in doctor, psychologist and nurse. They really don't seem to get hinge of what I'm dealing with. I have got tips like "accept that you are feeling numb" or "just do things". I AM DOING THEM AND ACCEPTING BUT IT'S NOT WORKING. The nervous system is so panicky that it doesn't let me relax and come down to earth. It honestly feels like I'm floating somewhere without normal connection to people and my history. It's extremely lonely place to be in. Like you are in different world than everybody else.
I'm starting anxiety medication soon. Hope that helps. I have red my diary from 4 months (!) ago and I seem so happy, with dreams and deep touch to myself and my soul. It's so important for me to be in myself, in tune with who I am to feel happy. Now it's gone. I feel like a completely different person. It's crazy how fast someone can change and go from content to feeling like you are not even a human.
I'm glad I got to share this. Thank you for reading.