I don't know how to forgive myself.
(I want to first make a disclaimer that I am already in psychotherapeutic and psychiatric treatment for depression and anxiety. Also, english is not my first language — sorry for any grammar mistakes!).
Hello! I am new to the buddhist practice, and I think it really is helping me with a lot of my problems.
However, I simply can't seem to be able to forgive myself for my past mistakes.
I was — and still am, although I'm getting better — a terribly mentally messed up individual. Because of that, I lied, manipulated, and hurt other people.
When I did that, I would immediately feel guilty and hurt myself, because I felt I deserved feeling pain for it. I would literally smoke and put off the cigarette on my skin as some sort of self punishment.
I also sexually degraded myself in search of validation from other people, putting myself in situations that makes me lose my sleep every night.
For my entire teenage years (I'm now 23 years old), I tried to ruin my life — bed rotting, isolating myself etc.
It's so much, and I simply can't forgive myself for it. It feels like I can't love myself — much less be loved by someone else — because of these permanent scars that I carry. They will forever be with me, and I can't forgive myself for creating them in the first place.
I don't know what to do.
So, some buddhist insights might be nice.