Listen, I’m gonna give you guys an update on my life since I’m hitting that two-year mark this September. For a whole year straight, I was honestly going through it. You really have to believe you’ll get better eventually and you have to fight for that shit. If you have a support system, that’s fucking gold, but even if you don’t, you always have to be your own number one cheerleader. You won't heal unless you truly believe that shit is possible. And honestly, if you feel like you have nobody in your life rooting for you right now, I’ll be your cheerleader. I know exactly what it’s like to feel alone in this, but I’m living proof that you can get through it.
My first year was nothing but struggling. I basically had no support system because even though an abundance of people were there for the first few months, they all fucking disappeared and left me on my own again. I did all the things—I went to therapy and I took every type of medication. There was so much trial and error, and starting meds that aren't the right fit for you absolutely sucks. I remember having chills, diarrhea, and vomiting just because one medication was a total miss for me.
I became the worst version of myself. I was cardiophobic, agoraphobic, and thanatophobic. I was a total hypochondriac. I developed panic disorder and had attacks for months straight where I’d be spiraling day and night. I was terrified of sleeping because I’d dream about everything and experience DPDR in my dreams. I’d wake up panicking and go to sleep panicking. I had panic attacks 24/7 and I fucking despised it. The only person by my side during that whole disaster was my boyfriend, and I’m so grateful for him. I started meds a month after it all began because I was just that bad. Like I said, it was a lot of trial and error, but I finally found a fit and stayed on them for a year.
Trust me, you don’t want to stay on meds forever if you don’t have to. If you need them, that’s totally fine, but if you don’t, I recommend trying to come off. After a year, I noticed I had changed completely and I wasn't the same person anymore. Sure, it fixed the panic attacks and the non-stop DPDR, but it numbed me. It completely stripped me of my personality and I became numb to everything. I was the walking embodiment of "I don't give a fuck." I didn't feel anything; I just felt empty. It wasn't the depression kind of empty I'd felt before, it was a different kind of void where I just had no emotions because I didn't care about anything. My brain wasn't loud anymore, but it was so quiet that zero thoughts ever crossed my head. I turned into someone who acted without thinking, whereas I used to be the person who weighed every single outcome. It changed me into someone I didn't recognize or like, and I stayed like that for a while because I was too fucking terrified of coming off the meds and going back to how I used to be.
It started messing with my relationship and built up so much conflict. Ultimately, it took my relationship being at risk for me to snap out of it. My boyfriend told me he didn't like the person I had become, and I realized I didn't like her either. I decided I’d rather be a person who is always anxious, nervous, and a total mess—someone who is always freaking out—just so I could feel my emotions again. I’d rather feel the happy, the angry, and the sad moments than feel absolutely nothing. Being a zombie sucks.
I’m not gonna lie, there are moments now where I’m off them and I’m getting really angry or extremely anxious, and I think to myself, "Damn, should I have just stayed numb? At least that way I wasn't this super angry person affecting everyone else." I have those moments where I question if I should have stayed on them, but I always come back to the same answer: No. That version of me sucked and I hated it. I’m glad that was only for a year and that it's over.
The moral of the story is that you can get out and you will get out. You’re not stuck like this, even though I know it feels like it. It’s terrifying, but I promise you’ll make it. It took me a year, but I made it and so will you. Just be present, ignore the bullshit even when it’s difficult, and keep living your life like nothing is wrong. Eventually, you’ll learn to live with it so well that it just goes away on its own. It might come back for a split second, but in that moment, you just remember your journey and how far you’ve come. You didn’t let it break you then, and you won’t let it break you now. You just ignore it and keep going, and just like that, it's gone.
I really want to say thank you guys for all your help when this all first started. Your support meant everything while I was finding my way back. I truly hope that by sharing this, I can help someone else who is in the thick of it right now. Love you all. 🫶❤️