You’ve been through it, it happened before and now it’s happened again.
You’re scared, you’re tired, you’re feeling hopeless
But it passed before, my love. It will pass again.
And hey it is better this time
You know when an expecting mother loses her child despite how excited she felt that she will finally hold on to one.
Or when a lover you’ve been anticipating to come back and stay forever comes back to just leave again.
The loss is so great even if it holds no actual weight as great as those experiences.
Life is futile, it passes us by and we hold on so tightly, so desperately
To anything and everything
We give them meaning and associate our entire identity with them
Grief has always come up in the context of death of a loved one.
But I experience grief so often and I am distraught each time.
At least the emotional sadness from this grief isn’t something that will permanently leave a gaping hole in my chest
But tell me your pain
Someone told me that before
I am so fortunate to have heard it
But anyway he told me one night
To share my joy with him
So he can laugh my laugh
But equally so,
To share my pain with him
So he can cry my cry
His love for me has made me now realise that I can be capable of loving myself as deeply and earnestly as he loved me
Not that I needed to have permission to love myself that way from someone that once loved me.
I just never truly understood how I was supposed to love myself
Whenever I feel a really bad emotion that paralyses me, I escape it and minimise it.
I run away from my thoughts
Or tell strangers about my troubles
Just for a few pats on the back
Or encouraging words that never really seep in.
But no one knows what I need
I need to tell you, it will be okay.
You’re doing your best
Your hard work will pay off
Don’t be scared
Really don’t be scared
Anything you lose will find its way back to you, if the time is right.
I know you want to be really profound and vague right now because you’re doing that thing where you escape your feelings even in your own head.
I know you just felt slightly annoyed at me for catching you out
But it’s okay
Your hair falls off sometimes
Why does it fall off? Why does it have to fall off my head when I dedicate so much time to keep it on there?
Why is something that is so normal and easy so hard?
It’s so silly, it’s just hair
You’re thinking all of that right now
I don’t know why but it just is
Maybe there’s a lesson
Maybe it keeps you looking forward to a future where it is easy
Maybe so many things
Maybe it’s your fault and you’re to blame because you’re not listening to your body
Maybe it’s just all random and there’s nothing to do about it
There’s nothing to feel about it
I know you never liked comparing yourself to others
Especially the people who have been dealt with greater battles
I understand how you feel
It is hard right now a little bit with these new patches
You don’t wanna go in with the same thing you went in with the first time
Cause you don’t wanna feel how this is potentially a problem that will keep repeating itself.
What can you do?
I honestly think it will pass
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you or your body
I think you’re happiest and most relaxed when you’re dancing alone in your room in the silence of the night
I know you would feel really relaxed if you lived alone
Somewhere pretty with lots of sun
Your own home with an open plan kitchen with the long chairs
Somewhere you can imprint your love of beauty with
Beauty and functionality, yes I know
Somewhere slightly alone cause I know you always feel like you’re being watched
With lots of nature
I know you think you wouldn’t be able to manage
Cause ewww wildlife and all that
But oh the birds that will chirp you gently into a new day
Or the ever so gentle rays of the sun that shines into your kitchen
You’re so excited to make your breakfast
You’re so in the moment, so grateful and filled with satisfaction
You’re not rushing off to go anywhere
Maybe you do work
Maybe you don’t
But whatever you work in brings you so much joy and fulfilment that it is now classed as your first official hobby
It’s probably something interior design related
Using your pharmacy degree would be nice too
Maybe 2 times a week
Maybe you’re a first responder
I know you feel so much pleasure from actually seeing how your help and contribution to a person’s care actually have an impact in the same exact moment
Whereas pharmacy feels more slow paced
Like having a family and you’re the mother that gives and gives and gives but only see the reward of that in small increments
Yeah you like short-term gratification but you like it cause you can see the positive impact it has in the same moment
I know we’re both sitting together now and I am the past
Extending my hands to comfort you
And you are the present
Reaching back to embrace me and cry on my shoulder
It will be okay, we both told each other
Our future will write back to us one day
She will maybe think differently to us
Cause life changes you
It teaches you things
It nurtures you to full health
I think she will be a very flexible, free and relaxed person
She won’t be as scared as we felt today
She will have finally returned to our first form
Child-like and living a life from the abundance that she generates from within her
I hope she rides a motorbike
And that she feels very strong in her body
Pain free, worry free, full of love
This is a piece I wrote about my experience with alopecia. Thanks for reading, if you resonate, I hope you have the strength to remember that it will be okay :)
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