I'm tired of being mischaractised.
(TW!! I talk about very low mental health, proceed with caution if even thinking about these things can trigger an undesirable response.)
I didn't realise how badly this pissed me off until I was looking through Spotify playlists people had made supposedly based off of me. For context, if you haven't seen me post before, I'm from specifically the Pogtopia era of my life, up until I died for the final time.
Most of the songs on these playlists are all like "oooooh yeah I'm gonna fuck shit up I'm so badass and cool and fucking AWESOME yeahhhhh I manipulate people and I'm hot when I do it~" Which is uh... Not how I feel in the slightest? I feel like these people have a misunderstanding of poor mental health and an unstable mental state.
I was a sick, mentally unwell man in a bad mental state where I felt I couldn't trust the people around me and that they were only burdening me in my goals. It wasn't romantic, it wasn't hot, it wasn't even dramatic or silly or anything. It was me, trapped in a place, losing my mind more and more every day with stress and worry - and if you've ever experienced a mental health crisis like that, you likely know that at some point, you stop thinking rationally. Everything stops feeling real and your actions start to feel like they have no real consequences, because you're already dead and have stopped existing. I was hurting everyone around me and was so in my own head I couldn't see anything past my pain and couldn't see any way out other than lashing out.
It makes me actually *angry* to see people romanticise my character and make me out to seem "cool" or "edgy". Maybe that was how the source material was presented, I haven't gotten around to watching that part yet. But I know from what I remember and how I feel, that none of it felt anything like how people seem to think it would be. Mentally ill people aren't an "aesthetic".