u/GlitteringSeal5953

Hello, i am currently studying abroad in Taiwanese university and almost graduating in a month. I would like to tell a rather not enjoyable story and yes it's been a while I'm feeling down like this. I've actually been feeling a lot of up and down during the entire year i'm studying in Taiwan. I go back home about once a year and every time I'm returning back to study in Taiwan it's very painful to me. Now i want to clarify this: "This is due to my own personal problem, not Taiwan and not the Taiwanese people itself"

I wasn't really able to adapt to the Taiwanese culture here. The reason why I'm studying in Taiwan because my parents forced me to do it and i also think if i don't go Taiwan i might not go to any college at all. Despite having learn of lot of Chinese from when i was a little until now, i never really like it. I felt like i'm forcing myself learning something i don't want to. I'm also an introvert and i really don't enjoy speaking Mandarin unless if i have to. But this is Taiwan so i kept forcing my self to speak in Chinese if i have to, for example: ordering a food, talking with professors, managing a school administrative issue, also talking to some of my very few Taiwanese friends. Because i felt like they were able to accept me and don't really care if i speak clearly or not. Sure there are some fun things i discovered while i was in Taiwan, i enjoy the nature and its scenery, i like how everything is on time here, i love how fast and efficient Taiwan bureaucracy here, and there are still a lot of other things... but that whole fun thing are temporary for me. The only thing that kept me going through is my companion here. They're the one who kept giving me all the laughter and the reason i can feel i can really do enjoy something in Taiwan.

Now I'm in my final semester and everything felt super different, like i know everything is going to end after this semester. Some of my friends is pursuing another degree, some of them have found a job in a certain company, but for me i don't really have any of that interest to continue my life here in Taiwan. The more i think of staying here the more stressed i become. My only reason to stay in Taiwan after all is to just finish my study and get my degree, because my parents(i also took a small part) have spent their money into my education.

So as of now i can only think of 2 choices:

1. Keep staying in Taiwan, but don't know how long i can hold it. I don't know if i will have a mental breakdown or burnout in the middle. Also there some parts that you need to think of like money and energy you've spent trying to just survive out here.
2. Go back to my less developed country and gambling my entire life and career on it. And possibly being judged by a lot of people, but i honestly don't really mind.

I know this is one a bit weird: I rushed my self to sent a few CV to many companies and at that time I'm just thinking that this is only for a trial and there's nothing wrong with it. A few weeks later i had a job interview on a Taiwanese company and honestly i didn't perform really well. Everything is conducted in Chinese. I struggled a lot and i barely able to construct a proper Mandarin sentences. After the interview my social battery is absolutely gone. I'm hoping that somehow they move on to another candidate and reject me so i have a reason to just go back home(yes i really did think of this scenario). But somehow they told me to proceed to the 2nd interview test, which is draining me more a lot of my social anxiety.

Truth to be told, i don't want to stay in Taiwan any longer. But i don't know if have the will to make the right decision. I've cried several times in silence and been starring to a wall lately. I didn't really enjoy my sleep or my meal. Every think reminds me of the traumas I've experienced in Taiwan. Is there really a good 3rd option for me?

Well thank you for reading this and i hope you have a great day!

Thanks for the help in advanced.