Adult Daughter who lives at home - How to Navigate
Hello everyone - This is my first post ever on Reddit!
I've really enjoyed Reddit as a research tool for health and gardening, etc, and just found this group so it's time to get involved :)
My husband of 30 years and I live with our grown daughters (27 + 29) and our 8yo granddaughter (the 29 yo's). Youngest daughter doesn't live in the main house but in a beautiful tiny house we fixed up for her that we call the 'cottage.' It's a lovely open space with a kitchenette and full fridge. She uses a shower/toilet in the main house.
Until this house we were renting, and for many many complex reasons, our youngest did not live with us after our oldest became a single mom and life changed for hubby and I when we and our oldest decided to live together; but now she does. It's been a little over 2 years here. Both daughters pay rent. Youngest lives in the cottage due to family dynamics and she likes to live in a messier manner than us in the main house. This way, she gets to follow her own pace for cleaning up her space which gets very very messy/dirty. She is also the only one who has 'proper' privacy living in her very own space. Of course there are give-and-takes with every situation and oldest has expressed, hey I wouldn't mind my very own space (when youngest rails on about how she 'has' to be out there.)
As is the case with, dare I say ALL families, husband and I weren't perfect parents when raising our daughters. Youngest seems to not be able to accept this or be gracious towards us. We have had countless countless discussions with her over many years about her grievances. Many of which we absolutely agree with and have acknowledged and apologized for; some which we do not agree with (not that it didn't happen, but that it was a 'massive mistake.') This makes her angry - she wants us to agree with and take responsibility for everything that she thinks we should. Small things that happen when we're all hanging out together often turn into a big emotional outburst for our youngest. She is really saddened when we do not participate in said outburst. It feels like she believes that means we do not love her. She has expressed that other parents don't charge their children rent/that we don't help her like we help her sister/that she cannot be organized because she didn't go to regular school (our daughters were both homeschooled)/the list goes on and on...Last year when I asked her to clean off her porch, I received a laundry-list text of all the things my husband and I did wrong raising her.
As I said before, I was very open with discussing all of these things with her in the past but it has now been many many years and I feel it's ok that I now feel done with these conversations. They are always the same. She is super emotional and it is sad (I feel terribly sad for her), but I see recently that there is nothing that I can do for her. Letting her hijack my time for the same episodes over and over is also super draining for me. Husband has also had many discussions with her but he always saw what I am just recently (in the last 2 years) seeing - that she is deeply hurt and angry but not making much progress and not being helped by us trying to have these talks (which really just consist of her trying to make us agree with her completely on how entirely wronged she is - both in the moment, and in the past).
What we are trying to do is move forward. What is our relationship going to be like RIGHT NOW? I've said that to her - I want us to treat each other right. I need to be able to ask her to clean her porch or bring my dishes back to the main kitchen without a meltdown. The meltdowns aren't ALL THE TIME, but quite often for a 27 yo; also her attitude towards us in general is 90% distant and blaming. She actually works at the same place as her dad and treats him completely differently at work - super nice and pleasant and chatty - and 30 mins later he can see her at home and a switch has gone off. She almost never says hi if she comes in to use the toilet. I prepare everyone's lunches for work and she is the only one that WILL NOT bring her dirty dish back in the house so that I don't run out of clean dishes during the work week. I have to beg for the dishes at the end of her weekend off. We did a major car repair for her and fronted the money for the parts and she didn't even thank us.
We love her so much but it is a big problem. I don't feel this is ok. I don't know what to do...there are many passive-aggressive things she does that I choose to not even comment on. I try to give her her privacy. Then she's sad/mad that I didn't ask her if she wanted eggs when I went to the farm, and she holds onto that as proof that she's an 'outsider' and I don't love her.
We are not going to kick her out but at this point we do feel 'used' as a cheap place to live. Husband and I joke between each other that we need to 'marry her off' because it would be a relief. She has a boyfriend of 1.5 years and I do believe they are planning to buy a home together, but he also lives at his parent's house and we're a little worried it won't actually happen...
What would you do? Does anyone have any similar issues with a child of theirs? I cannot be punished the rest of my life for daring to love this girl wrongly. Don't get me started on the parenting advice she likes to give her sister, and that she likes to give to me as a grandmother. It really hurts that she believes I was supposed to be or could have been a completely emotionally mature mother at the age of 21, when she is 27 and isn't very emotionally mature herself. All I ask for is grace and understanding. She is very hard on herself, too, which is part of everything and another thing which really saddens us. It is terrible to see her basically torture herself and at the same time blame and resent us. I guess we just keep the course. Be firm, kind, consistent...