[RF] A cry for help (TW)
This is a short story that i wrote for a school project and my teacher thought i should post this here so im gonna do that. Just for some context this is based on a few moments that has happened in my life. Not fully real but based on some things. All the names are fake to keep anonymity. And the most real part is the end of it. Anyways thats it! Hope you enjoy!
A cry for help (TW: contains contents of self-harm and suicide read with caution)
I’ve always felt alone for my whole life, for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if I like it, or if I’m just used to it, but I do know this: Being lonely does things to you and feeling shit and bitter and angry all the time just eats away at you.
I had been working the night shift as a janitor at one big company’s office. I sat on the metro on my way home to meet my mom. Ever since my dad died, we have been left to fend for ourselves, struggling with paying the rent and getting food on the table. She always tried cheering me up with getting me stuff that we really couldn’t afford.
I see a group of friends that look around my age. Talking and laughing, they clearly have been out drinking and are on their way to the next bar to throw away more money on shitty alcohol. Sometimes I imagine that I am sitting there laughing with them as well, there’s no way that they would want to hang out with a guy like me. Friends are always temporary and would just abandon me anyways, just like everyone that I ever have met. Felix moved away to Gothenburg, Erik just went up and ghosted me out of nowhere and Julia got a new boyfriend who absolutely hated me and she chose him over her best friend that she has known since kindergarten.
This was my next stop, Tensta station. Now there was only a fifteen-minute walk, that’s fine I like the dark anyway. But it’s cold as hell out today, feels like negative twenty degrees Celsius. Maybe I deserve to feel cold, this is my punishment from God because I wasted his precious life by playing video games and failing all my classes. Didn’t even get my degree from high school. I used to want to be a movie director or an actor. But I failed at everything so why even try at making a movie that nobody will ever watch. So, I’ll just keep dreaming without having my dreams come true ever.
It’s snowing now, great now I’m going to be wet and cold. Just standard Stockholm winter weather. I hate this cursed city; everybody’s mean and it’s full of people everywhere. I wish I could move to the countryside and live alone. But that’s impossible I can hardly afford food for me and my mom. Besides how can my useless ass be capable of gaining enough money to get away from this awful city.
I wish that I studied, that I had gotten the help I truly needed in school, that I could have a single conversation with anybody. I wish that nobody hated me, or that people would want to be my friend. I see a couple of people sitting in a playground just talking, smoking and having a good time. Should I ask if I can join them? I have seen them around the neighborhood a lot, maybe they would want to hang out? No, they would never. They don’t know me, they wouldn’t say yes so why even try asking.
I’ve been thinking about ending it all, just a couple of pills and going to sleep forever. That would end my torment, my punishment from God. I already know that I’m going to hell so why just wait until I’m 80 and dying in an old hospital bed? This is quicker, this is easier. Nobody would miss me anyways. I could steal a bunch of my mom’s sleeping pills and then just fade off to sleep. Yes, that’s what I’m going to do. These 19 years on this horrible world is too long anyways, should’ve just went through with it when I was 15.
I can see my house now. Just up the stairs and into the bathroom, my mom is sleeping anyways so she wouldn’t know that I had taken her pills. I am standing in front of my door now, just trying to find my keys in my pocket to unlock the door. I turned the doorknob and walked in. My mom was sound asleep on the couch after watching her show again. I went to turn off the tv to save some power, so it doesn’t cripple her again. Then put a blanket over mom so she doesn’t wake up freezing cold and get sick again.
“Godnatt mamma, vi ses I ett annat liv.” I whispered to her as I went into the bathroom and grabbed her sleeping pills.
I put about a dozen of them in my palm and debated if this was happening. I looked down at my palm just looking at the pills, I figured it would be easier to mash them down into a powder and drink it with water. And maybe writing a goodbye letter to my mom so she knows how I was feeling. I grabbed a paper and pen writing down the date as well, 13^(th) of December 2009 would be my death date.
“Kära mamma, jag vet att du blir ledsen att läsa det här men jag klarar bara inte av det här nå mer. Det är inte ditt fel utan det är bara mitt att jag inte har gjort något med mitt liv. Jag älskar dig extremt mycket men jag orkar inte leva I mitt egna huvud nå mer. Jag hoppas vi ses I ett annat liv, som vänner, syskon eller något annat. Jag älskar dig mamma” – Simon Lundkvist.
I have prepared everything now. I got my letter, my pills and I even sent a goodbye message to my friends. This is it, the end, the end of my torment from the world. Hopefully my next life will be a good one. Maybe a movie director, a family, an amazing and beautiful wife who loves me. I really hope that will be the case. But never mind that. I say as I drink the water and lay down in my bathtub to fall asleep.
One hour later I lay in the bathroom passed out. Five hours later my mom discovers my body in the tub and calls the ambulance. Ten hours later I lay in a hospital bed still alive but asleep. Fifteen hours later I wake up with my mom laying next to me holding my hand. Tears in her eyes not knowing that I had woken up yet, there is a nurse noticing me waking up and calls for a doctor. Twenty hours later Felix, Erik and Julia came to visit me. If this is real I do not know or if this is my purgatory. But it feels like it has been weeks since I first woke up. Maybe I am laying in a graveyard rotting away as the maggots eat my body. Or maybe I truly am alive. Either way, I regret drinking that water imagining what my life could have been. Fact is that it was never too late.
As I am graduating soon and I have my whole life ahead of me. Still dreaming of becoming a movie director and hoping that I can live my life without regrets despite these horrible times I have been through. I have an amazing girlfriend that truly believes in me and my dream. Just because you feel alone or shitty. It doesn’t reflect on how the rest of your life is going to look. You can’t live in the past; you’ve got to keep moving forward.
(I have gotten the help i need and i enjoy my life right now and is hopeful of the future. Hope you enjoyed my story 😄)
(credit to the cry of fear for the first paragraph)