Wanting Death
I have been feeling a genuine craving for death for a solid while now. Death feels like a better option than life in my mind and it is an escape from the suffering caused by the dunya.
What makes death feel almost comforting is my belief in an eternal afterlife after this one. It makes passing feel like something I actually want and crave sometimes. The ONLY thing really keeping me here is the fear that I haven't done enough good deeds yet. I worry I might not be worthy for heaven yet.
I remember one beautiful moment during Umrah in Ramadan. I was sitting with some random Muslims breaking our fast inside Mecca. The cold breeze felt so surreal, cozy, and heartwarming. It felt like I was completely cleansed from all sin and was finally able to focus all my energy on Allah. In that peak moment of peace, I remember praying and begging for death in tears. It felt perfect. But it didn't happen. And I believe God wants me to stay longer because I still need to accumulate more good deeds. Perhaps this world is my test to earn enough before I go.
I am only writing this to share this mindset and understand if this way of thinking is bad or not. I am not looking for pity I just want honest perspectives