How to deal with loneliness as a Christian after?
Over the past 2 years, I've been feeling extremely lonely, empty, and just unsatisfied. In middle to high school, I've had few friends, and as time has gone on, I've gotten fewer and fewer friends, and generally just fewer people to talk to. As a result, I started looking for things to fill the hole I've been missing. I had an extremely heavy fall into lust and a porn addiction. And as of now, while I'm still dealing with the consequences of it, it's gotten better, glory to God.
It wasn't until I came to God that I felt as if I needed a relationship, or a significant other, in order not to feel lonely. After a few failed attempts later on, I started to realize that I don't need a girlfriend if I'm going to drag her down with my own struggles, as I still wasn't over my addiction, nor did I have anyone to really talk to. I tried beg God to make me to where I would be ready, but I would still defy him. I still didn't do what I was supposed to do with little responsibilities; I still lusted, even deep down I knew I wasn't ready.
It wasn't until I met someone online that I was immediately smitten. To me, she was great, and we hit it off quickly. Despite being so different, we fit each other so well. We were in a long-distance relationship, but recently she started to not only have issues with her mental health, but I was also displeased because of the distance between us.
I've never liked long-distance relationships due to personal reasons and previous bad experiences, and I feel like as if this was a lesson from God about why I'm still not ready for a significant other yet, as not only can I not see her, but I also cannot help her. I'm not equipped to handle her mental health problems, and mine. I'm not where I want to be with my body, my studies, or with God yet; I rushed into a relationship thinking that it would fix me, only to hurt me and her.
As I get ready to split up with her and go back to being single, I look at the future with fear and anxiety. I'm scared of being alone again; I'm scared of having no one to talk to. I have little to no social circle due to my parents controlling where I go and who I talk to, having little to no serious friends at school or work, and being unable to go to church and talk with a priest. I feel as if this is all that I have.
Please give me advice; any is helpful. I feel as if I've disappointed God, and that I've let him down for being so impulsive and letting my lust and loneliness ruin what could have been a great relationship. I don't expect anyone to read everything, let alone see this post, as I've always been like a wandering ghost online, but it's worth a try. Thank you.