u/Gullible-Sale7358

So, I don't really have any where good to put any of this, at least not that I know of. I've been watching the podcast for awhile and seeing how far everyone has come is so amazing to see. It's one of the things that has kept me pushing forward. I know that no matter how hard my life has been that I can still come out on the otherside. That being said, that's one of the reasons I'm here. Stories like nerdrotic and JD's have made it easier for me to at least try to speak about what happened to me. I wouldn't say it was nearly as bad as what they went through but I've been so impacted by this. When I was 5 or 6 I had a friend touch me, she was the same age. It screwed my head up really bad and I've never felt right since. I tried to be normal the best I could but I wasn't the same kid I once was. It sent me down a rabbit hole of porn addiction at the ripe old age of 7. I've spent the last few years trying to move past the pain, I've for the most part stopped watching porn. I haven't seen it in almost a year. The main issue I now face is dating. I've been thinking about it and tried an app but I just got hit with the memory thinking about touch and all that stuff. I feel wrong, like I still want a relationship, but at the same time I feel disgusted by the thought of someone doing it to me again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell anyone I know about this, I've hid it for 15 years at this point. It's been so bad I've had to take moments at work just to breath cause I was getting worked about the memory. I feel like I stirred a pot by thinking about dating. I really don't know how to handle this.