I'm gonna sound whiny during this post, sorry in advance.
I'm 5'2 and I've been 154 for almost a decade. Sometimes a bit under or a bit over. Once I started graduate school, I ended up going on 10mg of Lexapro, which may have caused me to gain weight since I used to be in the low 130s. I've tried to get off of it, which just isn't possible if I want to function lol.
About a year after I started graduate school, I worked with an online trainer and lost a lot of weight and really toned up. I looked great, but was working out for up to two hours a night. I also wasn't starving myself either so everything was great. But once school started again, I gained it all back and then some.
I lost weight for my wedding (I went from 154 to 139ish) by eating very low carb, reducing my calories significantly, and exercising a lot (honestly, barely eating). Of course, gained that back after the wedding and got back to 154.
Before I had my son, I started walking a lot and eating better. It was a struggle to lose 5 pounds. This lasted about a year until I got pregnant. I gained weight while I was pregnant of course, but lost it fairly quickly (I didn't do anything, it just fell off). I was back down to 154 shortly after having him and even lower at times for about three months postpartum. However, once my period started back up, I gained a lot more weight, about 10 pounds and I stayed there until last summer (gave birth end of 2022, got my period back early 2023 and lost 10 pounds summer of 2025).
Now, I'm back to 154.8 and there I've remained. I was 153 in early April, but every time I lose a bit of weight, I relax too much on my diet. I just don't know what to do. I try to frame it as a "lifestyle change." I try to do some form of exercising 3-4 times a week for about an hour. I really hate weight lifting, but I'm trying to get back into it because it's effective. I know I'm supposed to find an activity I like so I'll stick to it, but the issue is I've never liked exercising or going to the gym. I can't afford to take any fitness classes now, nor do I have the time. I stick to walking because I like it, but some days I just don't want to walk for an hour. Then days turn into weeks. Then, I start to obsess about the fact I haven't exercised or stepped on the scale.
My LoseIt app says I need to eat like 1,398 calories a day, which is a struggle and I constantly obsesses about food. If I eat more because I exercised (1,500-1,600 not too much more, I freak out and think I shouldn't have eaten that much). I have OCD (which I'm in therapy for and why I take the Lexapro) so when I get into something, it can become an obsession. Like now, I'm tracking calories again, but I've become so obsessed with doing it. Eventually, I burn out and stop.
I'm so burnt out with trying to lose weight and thinking about eating. I know I have very little willpower when it comes to food. Every time I think I look good on any given day, I think nope, I look horrible and I have reverse body dysmorphia (where I think I look smaller than I am). I wish I had more willpower to stick to a low calorie diet and didn't care about food. But damnit, I like to have a glass of wine (I drink maybe 3 drinks total per month) and appetizers on the weekends lol. My friends think I need to fix my relationship with my body because being thinner won't magically fix my body image issues. I agree with them completely, but doing that to myself is hard; I've been trying to do that for years.
Anyway, if anyone is in the same boat, I'd love to commiserate.