Feeling stuck as a cog. What can I do?
I have been on a self education journey through theory and engaging in direct action in my community, and every day identifying more and more with Communism. I have always been very left, but the game "Disco Elysium" sent me on a mission and I have been pouring through literature, anti-capitalist media, and theory. I know I am a long way from being as informed as I need to be. Every new thought or realization really highlights that the career I am in is antithetical to my emerging base ideology. I have spent years thinking I was advocating and being a helper, and I am more and more disillusioned with some base foundations of the field. I have years of education, degrees, and am now in charge of drafting plans and overseeing front line staff in the implementation of something I philosophically am becoming at odds with. I do believe there are uses for my skills and the base philosophy of my field and I fight as hard as I can to steer my actions at work to be ideologically consistent and advocate for the rights of those I serve, but I answer to standards and directives that push back often and strongly. I am questioning if I am more useful in fighting this fight from the inside of this thing, or forgo my position to pursue another avenue of direct action. In the US it's hard to give up a position that gives me access to the resources to survive and fund my off hours direct action and mutual aid efforts.
TLDR: thought I was doing the right thing getting into a helping career, finding out it's not consistent with my growing communist ideology.