Unmotivated. Not lazy.
It's been 5 and a half months since I fell on an ice rink while ice skating and fractured my femoral neck/hip. My insurance cut off 6 more physical therapy sessions that I could have used before I was done for good. That ended about a month ago, and I have been absolutely terrible at keeping up with the exercises at home. I know it's my fault, I take 100% accountability for not doing them.
I am 27 years old, 4'11" and about 90lbs. So they had me weight bearing the day after surgery, I needed to use a walker for at least 2 months to move around at home. Never having broken any bone in my life, this experience was immensely painful during that time both physically and mentally.
When I started physical therapy, I felt determined and extremely motivated because I saw other people doing their best to gain their strength back despite any pain or discomfort they felt. It felt so empowering to be around people that are always trying their best to help each other reach goals. I reached a few milestones during physical therapy which also made me look forward to every visit I had.
Since I am no longer able to attend physical therapy and have been walking without any aids to help such as a walker or crutches, I have not and do not think about how I need to do physical therapy every other day. I do chores around the house normally and of course I still experience minor pain constantly, no matter what I'm doing. I want my life to be normal again SO BAD that I try to block it out and continue on with my day as if physical therapy at home is not important. I've been jobless since the accident and don't know what to look for, almost every job I've had is hands on and labor intensive. Caregiving, housekeeping, dog handling.
I cannot run anymore. I was a very active child, always climbing trees and running around. Now that I've broken my leg, I can't imagine being able to run from anything or anyone if I needed to. I'm much more vulnerable than I used to be, and that heavily hurts my heart. I feel like I am trying to navigate a completely different life now and I am so lost within it. Going about my days as normally as I can without doing PT will most likely bite me in the ass much harder in the future, but the longer I cry over not doing them, the worse I feel about myself in general. What a lovely cycle.