Nobody Understands
*Long Vent, Don’t Know Where To Put My Emotions*
Background:
I 26M have been dealing with pretty horrific back pain for about a year and a half due to 2 herniated discs in my lower back. Lots of nerve pain, dull aches, stabbing pain, electric and radiating pain. It’s not fun. During flare ups I can barely walk to the restroom (which already presents its own challenges). I’ve done 7 months of PT but stopped due to financial difficulties and the fact that it wasn’t helping. MRI, 3 injections, endless specialist and doctor visits, etc. Looking at surgery options now but I’m pretty scared/overwhelmed about that. I’m on a laundry list of medication which barely helps and causes me to feel tired and loopy all day. I’m unable to work in my current situation and spend majority of my day just trying to manage my pain. I do my best to keep up with house work despite the pain and try to be creative with how to keep up with things and not cause my back to flare up. I read a lot. I sleep a lot. I’m sad a lot.
I’ve made it a point to not let the pain control me or my enjoyment of life. I do my best to show up to events and for the people I care about. I also have a rule to not flat out lie to people even if it’s easier to avoid certain conversations.
I went to my aunts over the weekend for 4th of July and when asked how work was going I was honest and explained I’d be out of work for a while due to my back issues. They were sympathetic for the most part, but then I got hit with the old “so you just pretty much relax…… all day……? Like since you don’t work what exactly do you do? Seems kind of nice! Kind of like a long vacation! *laughter* no no I’m just kidding I know it probably sucks, but what exactly do you do all day?”…….. I try to explain that I try to manage my pain constantly. Heat, ice, PT exercises, lidocaine patches, trying to keep up with house work, etc. They kind of just stare at me, blankly, and then ask if losing some weight would help (I’m heavy, not obese but trying to lose weight but it’s just difficult when I’m constantly in pain and unmotivated and unable to move much). Needless to say it was an awkward and embarrassing conversation that made me feel like a piece of crap.
People who haven’t experienced chronic pain just don’t understand……. It feels like no one around me gets it. I constantly hurt. I’m tired. Exhausted actually. I’m doing my best. The fact that I’m even able to grit my teeth and show up for things takes more out of me than they realize. The mental challenges alone of going from being an athlete and loving yard games and sports etc to having to sit and watch everyone play while pain is erupting down my legs just feels so heavy. I feel lost. I feel sad.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it anymore. I constantly feel like a burden to everyone around me, especially my fiancé who would never admit it. I don’t see how I can go another 50-70 years like this. I’m exhausted and it’s barely been a year and a half. I’m so frustrated, which is why I tend to sleep constantly throughout the day and lie awake at night sick to my stomach and toss and turn. I just want to escape reality. Nobody seems to understand. I see the way people look at me, and can’t help but wonder if they think I’m just a bum who doesn’t want to do anything. I wonder if they’re judging me with those eyes. I wonder if they think I’m being a whimp. They don’t get it and honestly I hope they never have to experience it and understand it.
I feel like a waste of space and resources with little to offer the world anymore. I don’t necessarily want to wake up tomorrow, which makes me feel guilty that I’m taking life for granted. I know deep down that my family would be sad if I went away. So I try to hold on in what seems like an endless storm that’s battering me from every angle. I feel so gosh darn useless.
Rant over.