u/Historical-Cook-5822

Sooooo I've reached the end of externship, and I passed!

Quick recap: From the beginning all the way until around week 10/11 (so 1-2 weeks before the end), I was struggling heavily. I was unable to lead sessions, I kept getting the answers wrong, and I was genuinely at risk of failing. I was crying every single day and was genuinely miserable (or felt that way). 

Now that I've ended, I can safely say that this is really something that is temporary and everyone of us has to go through this and that's okay.

Out of my 12 week externship, I spent most of it observing and even by the end of these three months, I honestly can’t say that I am fully independent. This isn’t the case for most students, because not only is the expectation that we can lead the entire case load by the end of the externship, but that expectation is typically met. However, I was just one of those cases that did not end up meeting it, and that’s okay. 

I feel like it was a struggle feeling confident because it seems like no one ever struggles this way at an externship, and that made me feel so inadequate and like the biggest failure. More often than not, when you think of a  bad externship, people usually say it is because their supervisor is wack, and that wasn’t the case for me. While it was a bit rocky at the beginning, my supervisor was a lot nicer and a lot more supportive than most and would constantly try to help me, and I just, for some reason, couldn’t do what needed to be done. And now that I am at the end, I am realizing that’s okay. 

Not every setting is for everyone, and not everything will come easy to you. And comparing yourself to any other student is not going to help you in the long run. 

I did end up passing, and I am finally done and am never looking back at that place, or even the setting. I followed through with all the advice that I got in the comments and they truly did help. 

That being said, if you’re in your externship and you’re struggling and feel like this field isn't for you because you aren’t doing your best (or maybe your best isn’t the best for that setting), just remember that it’s okay, it’s going to pass by, and then you never have to look back again. The only way through is through, and once you're done, there are countless other opportunities and settings and locations that you can trial next. As someone said before, the externship and clinicals in general are not only there to help you build your clinical and therapeutic skills, but to also help you determine what’s not right for you!

Edit: Overall, some poepl can pick up any skill in 2 weeks, and others (like me :)), need at least 3 months, and that's okay!

So I’m realizing more and more that it’s less my supervisors fault and more so mine, and it makes me feel 10x worst 😭

I truly don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know why I am not retaining this information at all. I constantly and consistently answer questions incorrectly, my supervisor ALWAYS corrects my documentation and I’m still making mistakes, I’m unable to place my thoughts and words into clinical wording. I have no time at home to do everything and then some, between commute time and getting home around 8-10 pm everyday (because of school after) then having to wake up at 5 am. I know that’s not unique to me though and it’s something we all go through.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. My supervisor does constantly give me feedback, so I can’t say she isn’t helping me, or trying to help me. But I’m ALWAYS disappointing her. She mentions that we always talk about these things, and that I need to read more and more. She is visibly getting frustrated with me.

I am genuinely trying in my own time too. This would bother me less if I was lax about it and playing around. But I wake up, sleep, eat information from this externship. I’m always looking for new ways to understand things.

My confidence has plummeted since starting this, I don’t even know if I want to be an SLP anymore (I know this medical SLP isn’t my field for sure- I love articulation and aphasia), I’ve been crying every single day- sometimes 2-3x a day.

Nothing I do is ever right here and I don’t know why. I am trying to fix it and I STILL mess up. I do acknowledge that my supervisors expectations of me have been higher from the very start, but it’s already been a month since I’ve been here and I feel like I should’ve already picked up the pace.

Not to say that I haven’t learned anything- I’ve learned a lot, I just have a hard time applying it. I have a hard time doing chart reviews and trying to pick the most important things to look at (despite being told how several times), I have a hard time remembering some points that happened in the session (despite writing down information during the session), I have a hard time being able to clinically apply the knowledge I know to patients I see on the spot. I can do it at home with time, if I write down everything that happened and go through it, but not in the spot during the session, and I always answer questions in correctly despite knowing the right answer deep down.

I have never felt stupider and more incompetent in my life, and it just makes me feel worst. I don’t think I can be a good clinician. I truly think I’m going to fail this externship.

So I just started my first externship and I have never felt as incompetent as I do right now.

I’m placed within pediatric feeding therapy, which is something completely new to me (as expected!). I know nothing about anything, and it’s so hard for me to retain information.

I have a feeling that my supervisor doesn’t like me at all. She hasn’t yelled at me or anything, but I can tell she’s been getting annoyed with me. I feel like I am no where near the expectations she has of me.

I try to research on my own time and do readings and watch videos and all of that, but it’s just so hard for me to apply what I am learning to the sessions. And whenever my supervisor asks me questions/quizzes me, I’m never able to answer it properly or give the correct answer.

I also feel like a lot of the questions I ask my supervisor are kind of “stupid”. She does answer them, but again, it’s the way she answers them that makes me feel like I’ve disappointed her and that I shouldn’t be asking these questions. But I also feel like the team has been annoyed that I haven’t been asking as much as I should. Idk I’m so conflicted and feel so bad.

This is only the beginning of my externship, so there’s still over two months left. It’s a very awkward relationship between my supervisor and I, and I’m not sure how to mend it enough to withstand this summer.

I’ve asked for feedback, and most of it was what I already know- to do more research and to be observant during sessions in order to connect everything I’m learning together- but that’s what I’m struggling with the most.

Anyways, I hope this isn’t a measure of how well (or in this case, terrible) I’m going to be as an SLP.

I am interested in pediatric feeding therapy, it’s not my first choice and I don’t think I’d do when I get certified. But it’s definitely an interest of mine and I’m genuinely trying to learn, but I just can’t keep up with my supervisor and feel so bad even being there. Feel like I’m hindering her job.