MIL died in the ICU last night and I just feel so much dread
Besides grief stricken, I feel scared. I'm paranoid about my own relatives now. I suddenly regret having children because I'm scared my sweet boys will see me in that state one day. It was awful, she was pale, could barely talk, wouldn't eat or drink and kept trying to sit up in this panicked state. I kept calling the nurse because I didn't know how to help her but there wasn't a lot they could do besides advising me to try comfort her as she was on end of life care. She was only on morphine and oxygen - she couldn't bear another round of chemo and chose to go out this way.
Husband and I took over being with her so FIL could go home, eat and have a shower but sometimes I'd have to be alone with her and I just felt so helpless. I was going to have husband stay in a nearby B&B so he could be with her more because we live an hour away but she passed away that very night and I'm just so gutted and heartbroken.
I don't want to go through what FIL did or have any of my loved ones go through it with me. I think it's just the trauma and grief speaking but I can't shake this existential dread. It's the fact that death is inevitable and its giving me alot of anxiety.
Does anyone who's been through this have any words of wisdom? I know it's not rational and I am a little sleep deprived but I feel lost and I don't want to talk to my husband about it because it's not about me and I'm not trying to make it about me. It's just an internal thing I'm struggling with.